My Faith Goals for 2010

This 2010, I'll try my best to:

Live well.
Love more.
Laugh often.
Smile frequently.
Be optimistic always.
Read more.
Pray and talk to God every single moment I could.
Spend a quiet time with God everyday.
Think good thoughts always.
More patience.
Forgive even when I'm not asked to.
Cry less.
Avoid hatred.
Avoid anger.
Avoid judging easily.
Get to know more people.
Sing often.
Dance my heart out.
Give selflessly.
Travel more.
Climb more mountains.
spend more time with myself and with my passion.
Stay focus.
Work harder but happily.
Be more goal-oriented.
Be more determined to achieve my goals.
Let go and move on.
Free myself from all bitterness and pains.


2010 is still a mystery for all of us. But we stay put in our faith, there's no way the coming year will be a bad year for us. We will surely meet some troubles and difficulties along the way, but we should not worry. Let us all cast our doubts and troubles to God for He is the source of our strength and no one else.

Keep your faith goals. Pray for it and ask God fervently for it. He will surely bless you with that in His right time. He is never deaf of our prayers. Believe that when you pray, God is already doing something for your prayer. It might not be visible instantly, but be rest assured that He is working His marvelous ways for your prayer requests.

God bless our 2010:-)

My Thank You List of 2009

I cannot consider 2009 a good year for me. So-so perhaps. Though, I still have a lot to be thankful for as this year is coming to an end.

*i'm still here, alive and kicking:-)
*my whole family's still complete.
*my papa's still with us, despite experiencing a near-death event.
*I am still a Christian and loving it. I am so grateful that God chose me to be part of His family of believers.
*I became part of the Kids Ministry in our church.
*I got to know a lot of people whom i will treasure forever.
*I still have a house and our stuff are still complete despite the Ondoy tragedy.
*Despite recession, I could still get to eat 3x a day--even more:-)
*I still have Oliver's family to call my second home.
*I was able to unleash another passion--mountain climbing!
*Ely Buendia's still alive.
*Tito, Vic, and Joey's still here.
*I got to know Peyton Sawyer and the rest of the One Tree Hill guys.
*i got to keep my true and faithful friends.
*I remained faithful and positive despite the various unfortunate circumstances I've went through this year.
*Me and Vannah got our franchised business.
*I was able to survive another year with Mandarin oriental,Manila:-)
*Despite many 'gastos' with papa's medications and hospitalization, we are still not banckrupt:-)
*I am thankful that I know God, that I could feel my love for Him is growing everyday, and that I was able to feel this feeling towards Him:-)

Remember, it doesn't hurt to keep an attitude of gratitude for there is always something to be thankful for:-). Our life, this world, our family and friends, they are enough reasons why we should continue the journey despite unfortunate circumstances and why we should stay focus to finish the race.

Always thank God in everything. You don't need a feng shui master, or lucky charms, or any magical powers that you can think of, to achieve or get what you want. Just ask God for HE ALONE could give you that. He is the ONLY God.

Happy New Year everyone! God bless us all:-)

Letter A or Letter B?

Ano ang mas masakit sa dalawa:

a. Umattend ng family affair ng boyfriend mo na pumanaw na at makita bawat mukha ng pamilya niya ang alaala ng boyfriend mo?

b. Umattend ng family affair nila at makita mo ang lalaking mahal na mahal mo na inaasikasong parang prinsesa ang babaeng pinalit niya sa'yo?

Para sa akin, masakit all of the above. Pero cguro mas madaling mag move on dun sa letter B. Kasi kung nde ka na niya mahal at nakita mong may ipinalit na sa'yo, eh luka2 ka na lang kung mag-stick ka pa. I'm sure may makikita ka pang lalake na talagang para sa'yo at deserving sa pagmamahal mo. Pero sa letter A, mahirap lalo na kung mahal na mahal mo yung lalake at namaalam siya sa mundo na to na ikaw ang laman ng puso niya.

May nagsabi sa akin noon, mga 5 years ago, matandang babae, na kapag daw ang isang tao namatay at ikaw ang laman ng puso, hanggang sa langit daw yun dala-dala niya ang pagmamahal niya sa'yo hanggang sa magkita kayong muli. Eternal love kumbaga.

Nung Linggo, December 27, binyag ang 1st birthday ng pamangkin ng eternal love ko. Ninang ako at kabilin-bilinan ng pamilya niya on both side na wag na wag akong mawawala. Medyo kinakabahan ako bago ako magpunta dun kasi halos isang taon din akong nde nakapunta sa affairs ng family niya sa side ng papa niya. Ngayon ko na lang sila makikita ulit. Kadalasan pag nagpupunta ako sa kanila, maagang-maaga para yung papa lang niya or tita lang niya ang makita ko. Mababait naman ang buong pamilya niya pero kse ang awkward pa din ng feeling eh kse hanggang ngayon hindi maalis sa isip ko na ako ang dahilan kung bakit wala na siya ngayon.

The night before the event, super pray ako na maging maayos at smooth ang takbo ng araw ko the next day. Syempre naisip ko ang eternal love ko. The what-might-have-beens. Naisip ko na cguro kung buhay lang siya, susunduin niya ako sa bahay at kasabay ko siyang pupunta sa simbahan. And as if nakita niya akong nagmumuni-muni nang gabing yon, dinalaw ako ng eternal love ko sa panaginip. Magkatabi daw kami sa upuan. Mahigpit lang daw kaming magkayakap. Ganon lang. Pero sapat na yun para maging okay ako pagkagising ko. Pakiramdam ko ipinarating niya sa akin sa panaginip ko na yun na kahit hindi ko siya nakikita physically, nasa tabi ko siya at kasama ko siyang aattend sa family affair nila.

Pagdating ko sa simbahan, nakita ko sila. Parang tuwang-tuwa sila ng makita ako lalo na ang papa niya. Siguro nde nila ineexpect na pupunta ako. Hindi ko alam pero pakiramdam ko ng mga oras na yun, napunan ko yung missing piece sa pamilya nila. Parang tlgang ako ang naging kapalit ng presensiya ni eternal love.

Sa reception, hindi ko maiwasan ang malungkot at maalala ang eternal love ko. nakita ko kasi ang mga pamangkin niya na malalaki na ngayon. Nang iniwan niya sila, maliit pa si agape. Ngayon halos magdadalaga na siya. At si manuel, ang pamangkin niya na sinasabing kawangis na kawangis niya, habang pinagmamasdan ko siya nung nakikigulo siya sa parlor games, para kong nakikita si eternal love. Bawat kilos niya, ipinapaalala niya siya sa akin. Parang gusto ko nga siyang lapitan nun at yakapin kaso bka maiskandalo ang bata kaya dedma na lang.

Tapos nilapitan ako ng kuya niya na pastor. Alam ko matagal na niya akong gustong kausapin para daw matuldukan na namin ang sakit na dulot ng pagpanaw ni eternal love. ang sabi sa akin ng kaibigan ko na kakilala din ni kuyang pastor, gusto daw ako kausapin ni kuya kasi alam niya na hanggang ngayon dala2 ko pa din ang burden nang pagkamatay niya, na hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa din pinapalaya ang sarili ko sa guilt. Pero nung time na lumapit sa akin si kuyang pastor, medyo pa-start na yung party kaya nagkwentuhan na lang kami tungkol sa buhay2 namin ngayon. Hindi na namin nagawang magusap tungkol sa issue ng pagpanaw ni eternal love pero nangako ako sa kanya na minsan ay magseservice ako sa church kung saan siya nagppreach. Kailangan ko din kasi cguro ng tao from their side na magpapalaya sa akin sa nararamdaman ko. Para kasing nung namatay siya, pinaguusapan namin siya pero hindi ang pagkamatay niya. Para bang palagi naming iniiwasang pagusapan ang dahilan ng pagkawala niya. Cguro nga panahon na.

Natapos ang event na okay naman. Walang awkward moments. Only moments of illustrious memories na walang sawang nagfflash sa utak ko. Sa loob ng limang taon mula ng pumanaw siya, palagi akong umaattend sa mga special events ng pamilya niya. Pag anniversary namin kasama ko ang mama't papa niya pati ang pinsan niya, tita niya, at lola niya na nagcecelebrate nun. Pag birthday ko nagcecelebrate din ako na kasama ko sila. Palagi lang siya ang kulang. Pero ngayon ko naramdaman ang oddity ng pagattend ng family affairs nila na wala na siya dun para samahan ako. Sa totoo lang, natutuwa ako kasi iba ang naging relasyon ko sa pamilya niya. Napanatili ko ang relasyon namin kahit na pa wala na siya. Pero ang hirap din pala sa side ko kasi at the end of the day, pag iisipin mo, nandun ako pero wala siya. Kasama ko sila at kasama nila ako pero wala siya.

May choice ako nun na putulin na ang ugnayan ko sa kanila. Cguro mas madaling mag-move on kung ganon ang nangyari. Pero hindi eh. Mas pinili kong ipagpatuloy ang koneksyon ko sa kanila. Sila na lang ang natatanging nagpapaalala sa akin na minsan sa buhay ko, nakilala ko Siya at naging parte siya ng buhay ko. At para sa kanila, ako ang nagsisilbing buhay na alaala niya sa kanila. Ako na ang anak, kapatid, pinsan, pamangkin, at tito/tita nila. Masarap na masakit. Hay bahala na nga si God. Hindi ko alam pero ang alam ko lang, mas gusto ko na ganito kesa hindi ko sila nakikita o kesa wala na akong communication sa kanila. mas okay na ako dito.

Sa tingin ko habambuhay na akong magiging parte ng buhay nila at ganon din sila sa akin. lalo na ang dami ko nang inaanak sa kanila. Bukod sa kanya, ang mga batang yon ang magsisilbing tali na nagkokonekta sa akin sa pamilya niya.

Outpourings III

I'd like to think that I'm a normal being although most of the time I act not.

I laughed my heart out and screamed in kilig while watching Boys Over Flowers (second time around) a few hours ago. Okay, so I'm a koreanovela freak. Now I know why my friend Dane's soooo gagah over this tv series.

A few hours after, I found myself crying over the Jennifer Aniston and Aaron Eckhart's movie "Love Happens Sometimes when you least expect it." It was about a widower who wrote a book on how to get over the loss of a loved one and eventually fell in love accidentally to the lady whom he'd just bumped in the hallway of the hotel. He, however, realized as they are starting to get to know each other, that he still isn't over the death of his wife.

I cried because i could feel the pain of the people in the story (Eckhart's followers who attended his seminar on recovery) who lost a loved one and can't seem to find the strength to move on and let go. I cried when I saw Eckhart burst into tears when he admitted to his audience that he himself hasn't fully recovered yet and that he still finds it hard to accept the fact that his wife's already gone. I cried when the father of his wife came to him on stage and hugged him and told him that they never blamed him for the death of his wife, that what they would have wanted was for Eckhart to mourn with them during his wife's death since Eckhart didn't go to his wife's funeral and he just simply cut the ties with them and his wife's memories. I cried because like him, I am still in so much pain for my unexpected loss. That after 5 long years, I still find myself crying during some nights when his memories flash in my mind. I cried because what i saw in the movie is a real-life drama of people who lost their loved ones to death.

It is hard. It is just so hard.

Outpouring # 3

I wish I could still hear your voice today.
I wish I could still feel your warm embrace and your gentle touch.
I wish I could still hold your hand so tight to tell you I'm not letting go.
I wish I could still hear you say "iloveyou."

I wish you could still join me on my Christmas shoppings.
I wish you could still join me hearing Sunday preachings at Victory.
You should've told me you're a born-again Christian, too.
i wish I could still kiss you when the church leader would say 'greet your loved one beside you.'
I wish we could still hold hands while walking along the busy but amicably serene Manila Bay.

I wish you could see how I look good in my newly-cut hair.
I wish you could be one of those people who remarked that my new look fits me well.
I wish we could still celebrate our monthsary in December at Enchanted Kingdom, like what we did during our 14th month of being together.

I wish you could still hear me say 'iloveyou.'
I wish you could still feel the warmth of my embrace.
I wish I could still prepare your food and put lots of rice on your plates when you eat at our house.
I wish I could still talk to you over the phone and talk just about everything.
I wish I could still wait for your late night calls and sneak out from my room when i hear the phone rings.

I wish we could still grow old together.
I wish we could create more wonderful memories with each other.

it could have been us forever.
we could have built a wonderful family of ours.
We could have 5 beautiful and adorable kids calling us 'mommy and daddy.'
We could have lived together in a nice house we jointly built for our family.
We could have shared countless breakfasts, lunches, dinners,a nd even mid-night snacks together.
I could have learned to cooka special dish just for you--even if I really loathe cooking.
I could have been the greatest wife in your world and you could have been the greatest husband in mine.
We could have been the greatest and most loving parents for our little kids.

But we aren't. We no longer can.
I could just wish for those things.
I know you could just wish for those, too.
God has a different plan for our lives--very different from what we planned for ours.
While He chose me to stay and continue the journey of my life, He chose you to join Him in His paradise.

Now, I find myself doing my Christmas shopping alone.
It seems I don't want anybody to do shopping with me other than you.
I am alone. I am in deep pain.
But life should go on. Life must go on.
I still have a journey to continue.
I still have a chapter to unravel.
Who knows what God has in store for me in the future.
I'm just holding on to my dear faith that things will be better again.
I will feel better again.

A lot of what-might-have-been's.
A lot of what-used-to-be's.
But God works in ways we can never comprehend and contest.
I always believe in God's wonderful ways.

I might not be able to end up calling you my 'official husband.'
But you will always be the only true love my heart knows.
We may be a divinely world's apart.
But all our wonderful memories will always keep us closer, at least for the rest of mine.

Outpouring #2

I'm not ready yet. God knows I'm still not. Only the Father knows the silent longings of my heart.

In time, God will make me ready enough to traverse on a new journey of my life.

Outpouring of the heart

I found myself crying again. Deep pain. Throbbing. I'm missing you again. I'm missing every part of you in my life.

I never thought I would ever ask myself again this question: why did you have to leave? why did you have to do that and cause me this unending pain? You took your own life and you didn't realize that you took mine, too.

i find myself lost in translation again. I am in once again mourning for a lost love.

I am yearning for you. I am forever longing for your warm embrace, your loving touch, and your magical kisses.

The last seven years of my life, never a day goes by that I didn't think of you. Since the day you walked into my life, your face has always been the only image of a man that mind and my heart knows.

God, i'm missing you sooo bad! I realized, all those days that I felt not wanting you are the days when i'm cheating myself of reality. Those ae the days that i succesfully ran away from the sad reality of my life---that you are indeed gone and will never come back again in this life.

I am crying. Deeply crying. Tears continously flow down my eyes as I'm typing this. It is the only way i know to let this heavy feeling in my heart breakaway. I don't have anyone to talk to about you. They've all grown tired f listening to my stories of us. I only have myself and my little space to cherish us and the memories we both shared wonderfully.

I love you. I am forever loving every part of you in my life. you are the greatest man I've ever met in my life. You will forever be God's most precious gift to me.

Go on loving me, too, until we see each other again in God's wonderful paradise.


***102102***

Which OTH Character are YOu?

YOU ARE PEYTON!

Creativity is your passion in life, and nothing makes you happier than staring at great artwork or listening to fantastic music. You have a distant relationship with your family and often feel like you hardly see them. When it comes to love, you've known a few crazies, but you always have your eye on one special person.

I am Apple. Writer. Dreamer. Believer.

"Life is a journey. And we should live our lives knowing that we have occupied the dash between our birth and death dates."

-Trennie Williams-

I find myself once again at the pit of the two roads of life, with roads i meant choices and/or decisions i have to make. This is the third time this year that im feeling this way. But this time, it's much stronger, more intense. Could this be a sign that i really have to thread on the other side?

Growing up, I've always been sure of what I want in life, of what my dreams are. I simply want to pursue my passion in writing. I want to write a book, have it published, and leave an immortal legacy to this world via that masterpiece. I've always loved seeing my name on the byline of a magazine or a newspaper. Whenever I see my name after the 'written by' in an article published in a newspaper or magazine, there's always that magical feeling inside; a deep sense of satisfaction that only writers like me could understand.

Sadly, I've always known what I want but I didn't have enough power to do it. There's always the issue of family questioning you of your plans in life, underestimating the talents of the writers, underestimating the amount of money that writers could take home, or furthermore, there's always an issue on being able to provide b etter for your family. Being the eldest in the family, I initiated on taking the responsibility to provide for my family the best way i could. I might not be able to provide them fully their needs, but I know that I've got to be the one to have the most secured income. My dad's been ill-stricken with diabetes and heart complications for over a decade now so we couldn't rely on him anymore for monetary provisions and support.

I never want to work full time for any company. I never want to be tied up the whole day in an office cubicle, face to face with the computer, and going home not being able to experience sunset. I loathe waking up in the morning, rushing myself to the office. It's always been a dragging thing for me. I know I am never fit for a full time post. i don't like it. I don't want it. I just don't like it.

I know I'm better off doing things my own time, my own rules and regulations. i could even produce more doing things my own schedule and not having to follow the time set by a certain company. I used to work freelance before, as an online writer and contributor for various publications, and I will forever say that those were the best days of my career life. That time, I was able to really pursue my passion for writing. I had my articles published in various publications. That was indeed a dream come true for me. The pay wasn't that good, but there was deep satisfaction within me. I felt like i was in total synch with myself.

But the call to be of service to my family once again rang on me. So I had to leave my comfort zone and brave my way to the corporate world. At first, it was wonderful. Walking along the streets of the busy business district was fab. It was like watching myself walking along Manhattan or New York City in my favorite Hollywood films. But the fun died a natural death, a long time ago, long before I even reached my 1st Anniversary in that company. There was no realization, only longing for the life I used to have, doing things I like to do. But still I stayed. I don't have any choice. I have to be the responsible daughter and eldest sister that I should be. I can not afford to be self-serving. So i stayed in silent agony.

Now, I've already had enough of this you-have-to-stick-to-your-job-because-the-economy-is-hard-now thing. I have to make a stand to what I really want and what I really dreamt of my life to be. It doesn't mean that I will shift from the responsible to the self-serving person that I am. It doesn't also mean that I will stop thinking of family's sake now. It's more of taking this one big step towards a good change. It involves a lot of risks, but I know for sure that God will never let me down. I know I always have Him to back me up. After all, I consulted Him first before I will make any decisions.

In my present job, prestige is on my side. Wherever you go, when people ask you where you're working, there's always pride in my answer. But the pleasure ends there. I tried feeling if there's also fulfilment deep inside, but there wasn't even a hint. Of course I still owe something from my present job, but I have to admit that I am not really growing in there. I can't see myself improving or developing my skills further. What's worst was that I am feeling slowly growing apart and out of tune with my writer side. Sometimes I would sit in front of my laptop, trying to compose an article on my mind, but I just couldn't start a single line. I felt I was snatched from the real apple that I used to be. I felt being betrayed and being a traitor to myself for I know what I want but I am not doing enough to pursue it. I know this has to stop. I have to find myself again.

I am different from those people who are staying from their job just because they think they no longer have a choice. My dream is what setting me apart from them. i have a dream that i like and want to pursue. I am not only after money. money comes as a bonus for me. I want my old self back. I want my old, free-spirited, determined, and strong-willed self.

I am going to make a decision now. And I will choose the road less traveled, not because I don't care about my family, but because I know that bravely going after your dreams will always yield success. I am very positive about it. I have to find that happiness that I once allowed to be stolen from me. I have to make sure that I occupied fulfillingly that dash between my birthdate and my end time.

And as what my friend Pj told me: Nothing ever stopped you before, Apple.

Ika-Pito na!

Happy 7th Anniversary to a love that never died. A love that endures the long wait to heavenly reunion. A love that spells eternity.

***102102***

We might find another soul to love or to spend the rest of our lives with after our true love left us to be with his Creator, but truth be told, your heart will always hold a special place for that one person whom you lovingly hoped, wished, and dreamed of forever with. He may not be physically around to cheer you up when you're feeling down and out, to guide you when you're feeling lost, to accompany you to your window shoppings, to call you to check if you've eaten your lunch, to wake you up in the morning just to make sure you won't be late for school and/or work, to meet you on a rainy afternoon just to say sorry and make up for what he'd done bad, to go to your house and tell your mom how much he really loves you, to invite you to his family's special private affairs making you feel like you're already a part of the family, or to text you sweet notes almost every minute of the day, and to say goodnight and iloveyou before you doze off, BUT the eternal power of that one person's love for you will always make you feel him close to you, like he'd never really went away. He may have gone a long time ago but the memory of his love will forever remain in you.

And then again, always remember that there's always a special reason why you have to stay.....

Usapang Bata 3

Sa loob ng taxi papuntang VCF-Malate. My 5-year old cousins Chloe and Simonne are talking:


simonne: Alam mo naiinis aq kay kuya moises minsan.
Chloe: bket naman?
Simonne: eh kse may pera naman siya pero pabili siya ng pabili kau Tito Archie niya.
Chloe: Oo nga, sila ni ate sam. Nakita q nga si ate sam may 1thousand eh pero nagpabili pa rin siya kay Tito Archie.
Simonne: Dapat hindi ganun eh. Aq hindi ganun eh.
Chloe: Ako din. Pag may pera aq aq na lang bibili.

***oo nga naman! Tsktsk...

Farewell to Mr Gaisberger

Farewell Mr Gaisberger!!!! Yeheyyy!!!

To the heaven I will blow my loving birthday greetings to you:-)

Happy 28th Birthday to the man who made my world upside down; who stirred the soft, romantic side of me; the one who caused the extreme happiness and sadness in my life; the one man who will forever remain the only other half that made me whole:-)

Happy Birthday Nhie!

Isang Gabing Nakapiling Kang Muli

Nakita kita ulit kagabi.

Naka-puti kang polo. Nagkalaman ka na din.

Nakangiti ka sa akin. Maya-maya, hinalikan mo ako at hinapit palapit sa'yo.

Magulo ang eksena. Bigla na lang, naglalakad na daw tayo.

Sinabihan mo ako na tumataba ako. Naghabulan tayo na parang batang nagaasaran.

Tumunog ang celfone ko. Alas-siyete na pala.

Pero ayoko pang tumayo. Gusto ko pang damhin ang pagkikita natin muli.

Pumikit ulit ako. Maya-maya lang, para na naman akong dinuyan palayo sa realidad.

Nagpakita ka muli. Nakaputi ka pa ring polo.

Nakaupo na daw tayo nang magkatabi. Nagbabasa ka ng libro.

Tinitigan lang kita nang matagal. Maya-maya, niyakap kita ng mahigpit na mahigpit.

"Miss na miss na kita!"

Yan lang ang tangi kong nasabi.

Hanggang sa muli ka na namang nawala sa paningin ko.

At ako'y naiwan na namang umaasa na makita kang muli.

***peppermint 09262009***

ANg Superman ng Buhay ko. The Alpha and the Omega of my World.

Kala q kahapon, mawawalan na aq ng tatay. Bandang alas-kwatro y medya nang may tumawg sa fone q. si Khat2, pinsan q. Hindi daw makahinga si papa. nagiisa lang siya sa bahay kasi si mama bumili ng gamot. sa lahat naman ng pagkakataon, ngayon pa niya nakalimutan iwanan yung susi ng bahay kila Tita. Walang susi. Tumwag si Papa kay Tito Vhal, nde na daw siya makahinga. Sugod sila Tita Libay sa bahay. Praning na. Aligaga. Walang susi. Hindi alam kung paano papasok sa bahay namin. Tawag ako kila Mama. Hindi sinasagot ang telepono. Napipika na aq. Tawag ulit. wala pa din. Gusto ko na tlagang magwala. Natataranta ako kasi wala akong magawa kundi magtawag ng tulong. Nasa opisina ako at isa't kalahating oras ang layo ko sa bahay namin. Tawag ako kay Khat2. Nabuksan na daw ang pinto. Umiiyak na siya. Namumutla na daw si Papa. Tumitirik na daw ang mata. Nagbbubbles na ang bibig. Nanghina na ako. Hindi ko na alam kung anong gagawin ko. Nagdasal ako, "Lord, please wag muna." Takbo ako kay Ms Charisse. Nagpaalam pero hindi makapagsalita nang maayos. Pumayag siya. Hangos ako papunta sa table ko. Kinuha ang cellphone, ang bag, nagpalit ng sapatos. Kumaripas ng takbo. Hindi ko na nagawang patayin ang computer ko. Pati na ang mga papel sa lamesa ko ay nakakalat na iniwan ko. Lakad ako sa Makati Avenue. Nagabang ng taxi. Wala. Puro may sakay. Traffic pa. Tumawid ako papunta sa Jupiter Street. Sakto, may bumaba ng STC Taxi. Hangos ako papunta dun. Una, ayaw pa ni Manong nang malaman sa Manila ang destinasyon ko. May susunduin daw kasi siya sa airport ng ganitong oras kaya kailangan malapit lang. Nakiusap ako, 'manong, emergency lang po please.' Naawa sa akin. Pumayag siya pero hanggang Roxas Boulevard lang. Lilipat ako ng taxi pagdating dun. Mukha siguro akong tuliro talaga nun, inalok ako ni manong ng candy. Tinanggihan ko. Nagtanong si Manong kung ano daw ba nangyari. Nagshare ako ng konti. Nagshare din siya. Ang kaso, lalong bumigat ang nararamdaman ko. "Yung tatay ko ganyan din eh, pangalawang atake patay agad." Nagdasal na lang ako. Naalala ko yung sinabi ni Michelle sa kin nun na pag daw pinagdadasal mo ang maysakit na humaba pa ang buhay, kailangan daw idefend mo nang maayos kung bakit kailangan pa niyang mabuhay. "Lord, hindi pa completely save si Papa. Alam ko Lord hindi mo nais na mawala siya sa mundong 'to na hindi ikaw ang pupuntahan niya. Lord, promise ko sa'yo, one last chance and I will definitely share your good words to him na. Lord, wag mo namanng hayaan na mawala si Papa sa'min the day pa after you got Oliver from me. Siguro hindi ko na titigilan ang pakanta ng Wake me up when September ends. Please Lord." Text ako sa mga ka-church ko sa VCF. "Please pray for my dad." Si vannah unang tinawagan ko. Text agad siya na be in faith. Lahat sila na nagreply sken sinasabi be in faith. Nilabas ko ung pocket version ko ng Bible verses for any occasion and happenings. Hanap agad ako ng tungkol sa faith. "Whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours." favorite ko talaga tong verse na to. Dasal ulit ako. "Lord, kina-claim ko na, magaling na si Papa. Maayos na ang kalagayan niya. Hindi ako maghohold-on sa mga sinsabi ng doktor or sa kung ano pa mang aparato ng ospital. Sa'yo lang ako maghohold-on at sa mga pangako mo, Lord. Ngayon pa lang, nagpapasalamat na ako sa'yo Father God for your goodness." Traffic. Naloloka na naman ako. Kada tunog ng fone q, naaning ako. Pero sabi ko, Lord hindi ako magwoworry kasi alam ko pinagaling mo na si Papa. Lahat ng text sken puro galing lang sa mga tinext ko na hiningan ko ng prayer. Walang galing kay Mama or kay Shyn or kung sino man sa bahay na pedeng magbalita na wala na nga si Papa. Magaala-sais, wala pa din. Nagpapababa na aq kay Manong sa Quirino Station ng LRT. Magl-LRT na ako para mabilis. Sa LRT, wala pa ring text. Medyo nakampante na ako ng konti. Sabi ko kung may nangyaring masama, magttext at magttext agad sila. Dasal lang ako ng dasal. Nagpapasalamat na agad ako kay God. Pagdating sa Metropolitan Hospital, diretso ako sa EMergency. ayun na, nakita ko si papa, kung ano-ano nakakabit sa katawan niya na aparato. Mejo nagalit pa ako kila Mama kasi iniwan nila si Papa sa bahay mag-isa pero hindi ko na pinalala ang inis ko kasi hindi oras nang sisihan ng time na yun. Nalaman ko, kung nahuli lang sila ng ilang minuto, malamang wala na akong tatay ngayon. Nanghihingalo na daw talaga siya. Nang tinawag lang siya ni Tito Cards at may nagbukas ng ilaw, para siyang naalimpungatan at nabalik sa huwisyo. Pero nang dinala siya sa ospital, habang nasa kotse, putlang-putla na daw talaga siya. Wala nang puti ang mata. Pati batok maputla na. Nakikipagaway na nga ang pinsan kong nagmamaneho ng kotse dahil sa sobrang pagmamadali niya. Labinglimang tao ang tumulong para maibaba si Papa mula sa bahay namin. Taas-baba ang BP ni papa. Ang tagal bago siya nadala sa ICU kasi hindi magstabilize ang system niya. Pray pa din ako. Basa ako ng Bible, Hebrews. Kumukuha ako ng lakas sa mga words ni God dun. Kakatuwa. Nakakalma ako talaga nung binabasa ko ung mga nakasulat dun.Nang medyo nakalma na, umuwi kami ni shyn kasi tinignan namin ang bahay. Meron daw kasi silang binaklas dun para lang makapasok kanina. Paguwi sa bahay, nagulat kami. Parang minasaker ang bahay. May dugo-dugo pa sa lapag. Sira ang electric fan. Gulo-gulo talaga. Nakakakilabot talaga.

Pagbalik namin sa ospital, medyo umaayos na daw si Papa. Hindi pala niya kami kilala kanina. Hindi din niya matandaan ang nangyari sa kanya kanina. Hindi siya makapagsalita kaya sinusulat na lang niya sa papel ang gusto niyang sabihin. "What happened to me?" Inglisero pa. "Sino-sino bumuhat sa kin?" May balak kasi siyang mag-pasalamat paglabas niya. Lumapit kami ni SHyn. Naglayhands kami. Nagpray kami ulit for Papa. Ilang oras pa ang lumipas bago siya nilipat ng ICU. Pagdating sa ICU, kinausap na naman namin si God. Kaming tatlo nila Mama, shyn, ako. Nagpasalamat kami dahil kahit papano, umokey na si Papa.

Ngayon, mas okay na siya. Tinanggal na ang respirator na kinabit sa kanya. Nandun siya ngayon sa loob ng ICU, natutulog. Kami, nandito sa labas, sa relative's lounge. Tinitingnan lang namin siya through the window. Nakakapginternet ako ngayon dahil may nasagap na signal ang laptop ko. Kaya eto ako ngayon, nagshashare.

Nakakatuwa, hindi na naman kami pinabayaan ni God. Nandun na naman agad siya para irescue si Papa. Iba tlaga si Lord. Nahihiya na nga ako kasi sobrang dami niyang blessings sa akin pero hindi naman ako worthy for these blessings. Bilang Kristyano, ang dami ko pa ding kasalanan sa Kanya. Palagi ko pa rin Siyang nasasaktan. Pero palagi niyang pinapatunayan ang pagmamahal Niya sa akin. Imagine mo yun, muntik na talagang mamatay ang Papa ko. Konting-kont na lang magkaka-lamayan na naman sa'min. Pero niligtas ni God si Papa. Hinayaan Niya na mabuksan ang pintuan at maagapan si Papa. Ang nakakatuwa pa, meron pa pala siyang medical insurance. Akala ko kasi nun since na-max out na niya yung health card niya sa Medserv, wala na siyang makukuha sa bagong health card namin sa office kahit pa dependent ko siya kasi ang alam ko, maccarry over lang ang benefits ng Medserv sa bagong card. Hindi pala. Pagtawag ko sa Intellicare, sinabi nila agad na active pa ang account ni Papa at pede pa siyang gamitin. Di ba naman? Sobrang blessing na talaga from the Lord. Hanggang ngayon nga hindi talaga ako magkamayaw sa pasasalamat kay God. Kaya ko 'to si-ne-share kasi gusto kong malaman ninyo na si God, hindi talaga tayo pinababayaan. Palagi lang siyang nandiyan, naghihintay nang tawag natin. Kung sakali man na si Papa namatay talaga kahapon, masakit oo, pero hindi ako magtatampo kay God. alam ko may dahilan ang lahat nang bagay na nangyayari sa buhay natin. God is never after our pain. He always aim for the best for us.

The best talaga si Lord. Wala na akong masabi pa. Kung wala Siya, hindi ko na alam kung saan pa ako ngayon. Paano na lang tayo kung wala si God sa buhay natin?

Thank you Lord! Ilove you Father God!

There was darkness...and then there was God.

Limang taon.Marami nang nagbago. Mas ayos na ngayon. Hindi na katulad nang dati na bigla na lang umiiyak pag naalala siya. Hindi na katulad nang dati na pilit iniiwasan ang mga lugar na saksi sa mga alaala. Hindi na katulad nang dati na tinataningan ko ang buhay ko nang hanggang trenta lang. Ngayon, mas kaya ko na. Hindi na madalas ang pag-iyak. Nakakaya ko na din paunti-unting puntahan ang mga lugar na 'yon. Hindi ko na rin iniisip na mamamatay na ako pagdating ko ng trenta. Mas malayo na ang tinatanaw nang mga mata ko ngayon.

Limang taon. Mixed emotions. There was anguish. There was ultimate pain. There was bitterness. There was guilt. But there was also God, and that made a big difference. Buti na lang nung oras na malapit na akong bumigay, nahabol ako ni God at naakay Niya ako pabalik sa tamang daan. There was darkness but God led me to the path towards light.

Kala ko noon hindi ako makakatagal. Sabi din nang iba hindi daw daw nila kakayanin ang pinagdaanan ko. Pero mali kayo don. akala ninyo lang yun. ang totoo, niloloko lang kayo ng mga kanta na may lyrics na "i can't live without you." Dahil ang totoo, pipilitin mo pa ring mabuhay para sa mga taong patuloy na nagmamahal sa'yo at umaasang patuloy kang lalaban. at higit sa lahat, para sa Diyos na marami pang magandang plano para sa'yo.

Buti na lang hindi ako sumuko. Ngayon alam ko na kung bakit ako ang naiwan. alam ko na kung bakit kailangan mangyari yun. Nasagot na nang panahon ang mga tanong ko five years ago. Mahal ako ni God kaya niya hinayaan pagdaan ko yun.

Limang taon. Marami nang nagbago. Mas kaya ko na ngayong maging masaya. Mas totoo na ang mga ngiti at halakhak ko. Mas handa na akong mabuhay ng ilang taon pa nang mag-isa. Nananatiling mahal ko pa din siya, pero mas kaya ko nang palayain siya ngayon.

Mananatili ang pagmamahal ilang taon man ang lumipas. Pero mas kaya ko nang muling mabuhay ngayon.

We Speak to Nations- Lakewood Church

Hear the sound
The sound of the nations calling
Hear the sound
The sound of the fatherless crying
Who will go for us?
Who will shout to the corners of the Earth?
That Christ is King?

Hear the sound
The sound of the nations calling
Hear the sound
The sound of the fatherless crying
Who will go for us?
Who will shout to the corners of the Earth?
That Christ is King?

We speak to nations, be open
We speak to nations, fall on your knees.
We speak to nations
The Kingdom is coming near to you (Wooh-ooh-wooh)
We speak to strongholds, be broken
Powers of darkness, you have to flee
We speak to nations
The Kingdom is coming near to you
We speak to you
Be free (yeah yeah)
Be free

Hear the sound
The sound of the nations worshipping
Hear the sound
The sound of the sons and daughters singing
We will go for you
We will shout to the corners of the earth
That Christ is King (wooh-ooh-wooh)

We speak to nations, be open
We speak to nations, fall on your knees.
We speak to nations
The Kingdom is coming near to you (Wooh-ooh-wooh)
We speak to strongholds, be broken
Powers of darkness, you have to flee
We speak to nations
The Kingdom is coming near to you
We speak to you
Be free (yeah yeah)
Be free



I was soo blessed with this song. I even cried during our 3pm service at VCF Malate yesterday because of this...I love God!

Usapang Bata 2

One Saturday afternoon, after kumain ng chicken joy at spaghetti sa Jollibee Greenhills. I was with my little cousins chloe (6 yo) and JM (5 yo). Palabas na kami ng Jollibee nang...

JM: Bye Kuya! (to the Jollibee crew)
Apple: Hala! bading ka tlga! Bumabbye kuya ka pa ahh! Lagot ka sa papa mo!
Chloe: Bye kuya ka jan ha, mamaya magh-HI Kuya ka naman!

***Naman! wag sana matuluyan ang pinsan q! waaahhhh!

Perseverance in Suffering

How do we see suffering? We often picture suffering as those of people with torn clothes and blood stains in their bodies, or hunger and discrimination for those people enduring the life of scarcity and paucity.

But what does it really mean to suffer in Christ? Does that mean we have to really die on the cross just like Him?

No. Christ never asked for that ‘cause He already did that for us. What He’s asking us is just to have faith in Him alone.

But then again, as Christians, we are always prone to persecutions and mockery by those people who are still blinded by wordly things.

Take for example in your office: Everyone’s excited for Friday night because it means party and gimmick time again. Your colleagues asked you to come and party all night with them—of course, that also means drink alcohol with them. Drinking alcohol is not forbidden in the Bible, but it’s drunkenness that is. Not wanting to be drunk, you begged off from their invitation. The minute you said no, thank you, you were already greeted with boos and name-callings such as ‘baduy,’ ‘loser,’ ‘boring,’ etc. Sometimes, people would even comment, “ganyan pala maging Christian, nagiging baduy!” See, you are being taunted just because you want to follow God’s rule.

Or in school during exams: When your classmates would tell you they’ll sit next to you because they’re planning on cheating, and you decided to sit near the teacher. As expected, they will tell you: “wala ka naman pakisama eh. Kaya nga kami tumabi sa’yo para makakopya eh tapos tatabi ka kay ma’am. Christian ka pa naman pero ang damot mo!”

As Christians, we are often being observed by people and as if waiting religiously for us to commit a mistake so they could mock us to prove that being a Christian is not really a good choice.

But here’s the catch: Whether we chose to be righteous and follow God’s rules or continue following the rules of this world, we will still suffer whichever way. The difference is that with God, we are bearing under righteousness but there’s a wonderful promise of salvation we are looking forward to. But with sin, we are also suffering but with nothing to look forward to.

Friends, it is a lot wonderful to suffer because you are fighting for the name of Jesus than to suffer because of your sins. Suffering for God will yield us a good future, a good life ahead with Him. But letting ourselves suffer because of our worldly pleasures will only bring us to eternal damnation.

I particularly liked the example of Pastor Nixon in this morning service about an employee who is doing her best to get her work done but her boss still criticizes her. A normal person would deal with this situation by means of not exerting effort anymore or be unmindful of her job. But a persevering person would deal with it in a way that God would want her to deal with it—by continuously doing her best because she knows that it is for God that she’s doing her work and for her boss. And as what Pastor Nixon put it, “hold on more to God rather than on your boss.”

God never sleeps. He is never deaf nor blind of our sufferings. He knows very well what to do in all our situations. There are moments in our lives when we feel God is very far away because He is not answering our prayers. The truth is, He is just beside us. God never leaves us. In those trying times, God might just want us to learn something from our present situation that He lets us endure it first.
Sometimes, the reason why He is not giving us what we’re asking Him is because we are still unripe for that desire of ours. It’s not our season yet. It is best to wait patiently for the Lord’s coming because it really pays waiting for Him. The Lord’s coming here means the Lord’s perfect time. Not a single soul regretted waiting for God’s perfect timing.

Let us not focus on the many whys we have in our lives, it will do us no good. Rather, let’s focus on the WHO that could make things possible for our own goodness. Hold on more to God and not on the negativity that this world is putting in our hearts or the people that’s making our life miserable.

And I Love You So...

It was August 21st--our 104th monthsary. Friday night and I had nothing to do so I decided to watch And I Love You So--Out of curiosity because a friend told me I could relate to this movie very well. So i did.

And yes, that friend of mine was right. I could very well relate. At what point? No, it isn't only a single point because there were lots, so here are the points:


• Lara’s husband’s name is Oliver. My one true love’s name is Oliver.
• Oliver in the movie died in October. My Oliver died in September; his birth month was October. We became lovers in October.
• Lara and Oliver in the movie only got to spend 5 months as husband and wife since Oliver died on the very day of Lara’s birthday. Me and Oliver got to spend two wonderful years together as boyfriend and girlfriend before God finally called him back to His kingdom. Lara’s luckier since she was able to marry her greatest love and got to be called Mrs Oliver Cruz, while I could only dream of mine and Oliver’s wedding and just settle on adding his surname to my name through my yahoo mail account.
• Oliver’s family in the movie loves Lara so much that the mother even asked Lara to just live with them in their house. Likewise for me, Oliver’s family also does love me, and they never blame me for whatever happened to him. They continued loving me and showing me importance and great affection even after Oliver’s death.
• Lara in the movie is a pre-school teacher and runs her own pre-school which was provided for her by Oliver. I am currently preparing for my entrance exam in UP for a Masters in Education Teaching in the Early Grade so I could be equipped with enough knowledge to teach in pre-school and have my own pre-school in the future.
• Lara in the movie wears some of the stuff of Oliver such as his watch. I used to wear Oliver’s pajama pair and his shirt and sando. There were also moments before when I used to put all of his stuff beside my pillow at night just so I could feel him near me. I stopped doing those things, but I’m still using his blanket.
• Lara talks to Oliver like as if he’s still alive. I used to talk to Oliver every waking moment of my life since he left. I talked to him in the morning, lunchtime, dinner time, and before I go to sleep. I also talk to him whenever I visit him in the cemetery. (But of course, things changed when I became a Christian)
• There was a part in the movie when Lara refused to accept the love that Sam Milby was offering her just because she doesn’t want to forget the love she gave her husband. She doesn’t want to create new memories with another man.
A year after my Oliver died, I met a guy who openly confessed his love for me and that he’s willing to leave her girlfriend that time for me. Alright, alright, that’s seems sooo superficial for those people who’ve known me since I was in grade school, but guys, that’s super true, too I myself can’t believe that was true
But of course, being the love-struck with my first love that I am, I refused that offer, and I haven’t heard from him after.
The second year after Oliver’s death, another guy came into the picture and would like to take Oliver’s space. Again, I refused. On the third year, another guy came again, and that time, I seemed to like the guy, too. But then again, like is very much different from love so I refused that guy’s offer, too. On the 4th year, two guys showed their interest for me, which I both carefully declined.
After Oliver died, I honestly felt my hair is already reaching the floor I wasn’t wooed by guys before—to that effect. Before I met Oliver, I even used to feel I’m never pretty enough to be liked by guys. And then suddenly, there were those guys who openly professed their affection for me. In other occasion, I might have accepted their offer one by one (dyosa aq!), but then again, my life was made different with Oliver’s coming into my life and his death. When he died, I felt that my heart died with him, too, that it can never beat again. My heart belongs to him and I wanna die loving him the same way he died loving only me. It was just so hard opening your heart again to welcome a new love because you know in your heart that it’s already taken in full by your one and only love.

• One memorable part in the movie for me was when Lara tried doing the things she and Oliver did together when he was still alive, like watching movies or eating in a fine-dining restaurant, and going to the places they used to go to together. If I could relate, I was once as coward as she was in the start. I used to be so afraid passing by those places we used to visit together, or even eat the foods we used to eat together. It took me three or four years before I finally watched a movie in a movie house again. I felt so pathetic that time. I felt my world suddenly became small that the things I could do suddenly became limited just because I was afraid to inflame the pain in my heart again. But then again, God’s very good that He really helped me throughout my mourning and adjusting phase. I didn’t plan on it but one morning, I suddenly felt ready to visit those places I used to avoid and let myself watch a movie alone. That was really magical. I suddenly felt emancipated.

For now, those were just the things that I deemed common between me and the story of Lara in the movie. I don’t have any inkling if God would want our story to be akin until the end—which is me finding a new love again. One thing’s for sure, I still love my Oliver, I’ll continue loving him and I’ll never ever forget him until the day of our reunion. However, that doesn’t mean my heart’s still close for a new love. God already opened it. I’ll just let God lead the way for me. After all, He is the creator of the best love stories in this world

Why I Love VCF (esp U-belt)

Alive! Alive! Yan ang laging naiisip ng mga tao pag nakakarinig sila ng word na "Christian." To be honest, I also had that kind of impression back then. Blame it on our neighbor in Sampaloc before who used to hold Bible study sessions in their house and then singing Alive Alive, Alive forevermore afterwards. Or more so, blame it on the wrong and/or exgerrated portrayal of media about Christian fellowships and services (remember Jologs?).

But really, today's Christian fellowship services is no longer about crying and laughing and crying again, all eyes closed, and all hands waving (imagine the picture?). Christian fellowships nowadays are more into practical approach in order to entice more people into listening and talking about God and never to scare them out. Thankfully, more people no longer perceive Christianity as being baduy or boring, but rather, it's one of the coolest things to get involved with.

I am one of those thousands of born-again Christians who are blessed enough to have found God and be part of a church who is not legalistic in its manner of teaching God's laws--Victory Christian Fellowship. And for almost 3 years that I've been part of VCF, there was never really a time that I felt regretful or discontented of my chosen community.

To make u understand why I love VCF so much (especially U-belt), here are the reasons:

1. The teachings are practical. They will not command you to do this and that or tell you not to do this and that. Instead, they believe that your love for God will eventually help you do things according to God's will.

2. Every church service is like a seminar and a concert all rolled into one. Sabi nga ng isang friend q na naisama q sa U-belt one time, "ang saya naman, parang may concert lang." The setting is like in an auditorium with a big stage at the center, all musical equipments present. Even the design of the stage is fabulous! As for the preaching, para ka lang nakikinig ng homily na never kang aantukin at mabobore kse lahat ng messages, may weight tlga at super tatagos sa puso't isipan mo:-)

3. The music ministry is super awesome! As in wala aqng masabi. Para mo na ring napanood na nagperform ang Hillsong United at lahat ng worship singers ng live! Fabulous tlga!

4. The pastors are all good-looking:-) Wala ka tlgang itatapon!

5. Ang cool ng mga pastors! Nakakita ka na ba ng pastor na nag-super luigi sa service? or nag-ala matrix kya? or ng youth pastor na pinapasakay ang mga members sa jeep na nasa unahan at nde nakapila tapos sisigawa siya ng barker kse nga nde pa un ang susunod na jeep, tapos ipipilit pa din niya, tapos dadating ang head pastor at palokong tatanuning siyan: Why are you cheating?" at sasagutin lang niya na, "eh mababasa kse sila eh" in a boyish manner? sa VCF lang un:-) Or ng pastor na nagpapavote ng venue for retreat pero dadayain kunwari ung count? or ng pastor na nang mahulog ang cord ng mic pagbigay sa kanya ng isang church leader eh pinilit pigilin ang tawa at nasabi na lang eh: "Holy Spirit come back" sabay ngiti?

6. The technical team is marvelous! The powerpoint presentations, the slideshows, all the visuals, the audios, everything! Fabulous lahat! Even the background of the lyrics kapag pinapakita sa lcd screens are fabulous din!

7. It's fun being part of the ministry. Lahat ng ministries okay tlga. It's not only a venue to serve God but also, it serves as a way to meet with other Christians and have fellowship with them.

8. The topics are amazing. Tlgang pinagiisipan bawat series. They're making it in a way na nde ma-bobore tlga ang mga members.

9. The events and activities are really fun-filled and wonderful. From the 7-day fasting to Freshmen night, to singles teambuilding and retreat, to Christmas Parties, etc., all of these are fantastic!

10. The centers are all grand-. Para kang nanonood ng concert tlga. Sound-proof. Well-lit, big enough to house a big number of people. There are also different rooms for the Toddlers, kids from 3-5, and kids from 6-12.

Actually, i could write a lot of things about VCF that i love the most, but perhaps, these things are a perfect summary of all. I feel really blessed to be part of Victory Christian Fellowship.

To God be the glory!

Usapang Bata 1

Dayalogo namin ni Chloe (my 5-year old cousin):

Ako: Beh, magiging magkapit-bahay na tau eh.
Chloe: Ayoko.
Ako: bket naman?
Chloe: Eh kse lagi aq pupunta sa inyo. Tandaan mo, magiging malaki bahay q.
Ako: pano naman?
Chloe: syempre magiging stewardess aq.
Ako: Eh ang taba-taba mo kya.
Chloe: Pagdating q ng 12, payat n aq.
Ako: Ano? 12 pa? Bket nde pa ngaun?
Chloe: eh syempre bata pa aq. pagdting q na lang ng 12.kakain muna aq ngaun.

Pambihira!

In Everything that we do, let's make it our every moment goal, to always put a SMile in God's face:-)

God the Father Revealed-Week 2 Reconciliation

In last week’s service at VCF-Malate, Pastor Nixon talked about the Parableof the Prodigal Son. He further explained that in that parable, there is actually three prodigal characters: the second son (which is the one we already know about), the first son, and the father himself.

First, let’s define the meaning of the word Prodigal.

Prodigal means to give lavishly or extravagantly wasteful.

The second son who asked for his inheritance from his father and left their home was said to be prodigal because he lavishly wasted all the money he got from his father to some worldly things. As for the first son—the one who chose to stay with his father and tend his flocks—he was said to be prodigal, too, for the reason that he wasted extravagantly the time he's supposed to show his love for his father and just opted to focus more on tending the flock and the field.

So why is it that the father is also being considered prodigal?

Simply because he is extravagantly giving all his love to his sons without even thinking if that love is being wasted or not. Despite what the second son had done to him, he still accepted him when he returned and even called a feast for him. Moreover, when the first son got angry at him and chided him for still accepting the second son, he didn’t get angry at him. Instead, the father just hugged him and explained to him the reason why he still chose to accept the second son.

Our good God is exactly like the father in the story of the Prodigal Son. We might have failed him a million of times before or we might still be doing a lot of wrongs in our lives now, but He never and will never take His back on us.
More often than not, we chose to live in the way the norms of this world had thought us to live. We often neglect the teachings of God and laid comfortably on the thought that God will always understand that we are just human beings and are obviously prone to temptations. True, God will always forgive, but don’t you think that we are being too harsh on God, too unfair to Him? We always ask for His blessings, for His provisions in our lives, but we seldom take the initiative to delight Him by following Him. In our minds, we often reason out: This isn’t my time yet to be Holy, or to follow God and His rules, or to read the Bible, etc.

So when will be the right time? When we are already old enough to regret on the wasting a good part of our lives following the norms of this world? Or when we are already on our deathbed and just waiting for God’s call?

God, like most of the loving fathers we have, is a very loving, caring, and considerate father . He always gives and never ask for a grand thing from us. What He only asks of us is to love Him back, spend a couple of minutes of each day talking to Him, and just rest our faith in Him. He never asked us to give up our lives for Him for He knows that it’ll be too much for us to handle.

Let us not look at God us only our CREATOR. Rather, it’ll be much sweeter and lovely if we’ll start looking at God us our very own father who is always more than willing to bless us and delight us with good provisions.

Just Because I Can't Stop Watching 'Man in the Mirror' in YOUTUBE.

I have to be honest. I’m not a big Michael Jackson fan. Last I checked, I didn’t have any of his song in my playlist. Perhaps, it’s because I was too young to admire a singer/performer during the time when he was at the peak of his career.

But then again, the news of his sudden death really shocked and saddened me. It, however, took a couple of days before his death finally dawned on me. My office mate even called me in my mobile that day to ask if I was alright (knowing I’m the type of person who will literally cry over the death of people, especially entertainers). But to be honest, I can’t really find the right emotion to feel that day when he was announced dead in the news. I didn’t know if I should feel happy for Michael Jackson that finally, he will have that rest and peace he’d long been wishing for; or sad for the one and only King of Pop is now gone for good.

Frankly, when I heard of the news, the first thing (person) that crossed my mind was Ely Buendia. Weird, but true. I felt afraid of what might happen to Ely Buendia or what would I feel should Ely have a heart attack again. Ely was to me what Michael is for my mom and my titos and titas.

But then again, guess I couldn’t really let MJ’s death pass by without me letting out my heartfelt emotion over what had befalled. As expected, I also cried over MJ’s passing away. This happened just last Friday night after watching Repertory Philippine’s Funtastiks (connect?). For few days, I’ve been avoiding the feeling of sadness over his death for I don’t want to burden myself with the sad memories of his death (so feel q tlga, close kme!). Michael Jackson is just a big guy in the history of music and his death is really something that you couldn’t easily shrug off or accept. Hearing his songs being played over and over again everywhere really added insult to the injury.

I may not be a big fan of his music or his songs but I’ve always liked Michael Jackson as a person. Even when the news about his child molestation cases was put out and was highly publicized before, never did I lost my admiration for him as a person. I’ve always felt he is a good person—only that, he was filled with sad and bitter emotions. He might be one of the richest persons in this world, but emptiness still clouded his sad life.

Perhaps, the reason why I didn't cry hard when I heard of his death is because I felt that WE'VE LOST MICHAEL JACKSON A LONG TIME AGO. During those times when the media didn't want to give him the privacy and peaceful life that he wants, we've already lost him because he chose to veer away from the cruel world of entertainment and media. It's just so sad that now that he decided to resurrect from his long slumber, God decided to call him back to His kingdom. But that's just the way it is. God has His own reasons. Perhaps, He saw that MJ is already tired of this life-long battle with sorrow and emptiness that He decided to put an end to MJ's misery. At least now, our one and only King of Pop has finally found the fulfilment that he'd long been searching for.

Michael Jackson. King of Pop. His music will forever play in the hearts of his millions of fans all over the world. At one point, his music really helped heal this world. With his music, he was able to unite the people through a common interest. And then again, by his death, the whole world is also united in mourning for him.

Here's to a wonderful journey towards the eternal life to the one and only King of Pop--Michael Jackson!

Letting Go and Letting God

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace.


Last Monday night was one of those nights when I sincerely felt God talking to me through the words in the Bible. And these words from the book of Ecclesiastes, I believe, was God’s message for me.

When I had my Victory Weekend last March and wholly submitted my life to God’s loving embrace, I sincerely proclaimed that I’ll be letting go of my past already. I was not sure if I’m ready enough that time to actually move on and let go, but what mattered to me was God’s desire for my life and what would satisfy Him. I know that my continously living in the past and reliving each and every precious memories I had there were seemingly not the things that would delight God. And since I was declared a new creation, I know I have to live a new life with brand new dreams and hopes—and that meant letting go of Oliver and that love that once bound us.

It was hard. It was one of the toughest decisions I had to make. For almost 5 years since he died, I’ve never entertained the idea of letting go of him and finding new love. It was always the ‘you and me till eternity or till the next life.’ I was never comfortable with the idea of leaving the memories of us behind and building a new chapter of my life with another man.
But as it was God’s plan for me to lose a wonderful love to a sudden death at a tender age of 21, it’s also part of his majestic plan that I’ll one day be strong enough to let go of my past and move forward to the new phase of my journey.

I honestly don’t know if I’m already outfitted for this ‘moving on’ thing, but one thing’s for sure, God is working in my life now. If before I only have a passive relationship with him, now it’s definitely activated. I could feel Him and I know that He could already feel my love for Him. Perhaps, it’s my faith in God that prompted me to face the sad reality that Oliver can never go back to this life and that we’re now living in two different worlds. For years, I’ve believed that Oliver could still hear me or could still talk to me even in dreams. But I was wrong. I was told that I might just being deceived by my emotions. Oliver will never be brought back to life no matter how many stories of ressurrection or reincarnation I could read, or no matter how frequent I am in visiting him in the cemetery, or how much I plead God for another shot. What’s done is done and there’s truly nothing I could do to it than to move on and let go.

And with unswerving faith to God’s promises and His plans for my life, I declared during the casting out part in the VCF Weekend that I’m already letting go of my past and will now move into another chapter of my life.

Honestly, there was relief when I declared my vow to move on and let go. It was as if I was liberated and was awaken from a deep slumber. I must admit, though, I still nurture in my heart that special love for Oliver. But of course, that feeling won’t ever cease from my heart. It will forever be a part of my being. After all, Oliver is still my one great love, and as Ricky Lee put it in his book Para Kay B:

“kadalasan, hindi nakakatuluyan ng isang tao ang kanyang one great love. Mananatili lang yang nakatago sa isang sulok sa puso mo.”

And finally, I decided to open my heart again. And with this unlocking comes a new series of falling and getting hurt again. I’m really not sure if I’m already geared up for this whole thing again. For a time, I let myself believed that I’m already done with this whole kaboosh of love. For a long period of time, I’ve succesfully safeguarded my heart from the twinge of love. And now, I’m really not sure if it’s worth giving love a shot in my life again.
I must admit, the thought of meeting that man whom God really desires for my life, excites me. Whenever I hear the pastors from our church saying endearing words to their wives or sharing lovely stories of their romance, it thrills me to know that there is really that one soul that God really prepared for you alone. As what the pastors always say, seek God’s desire for your lovelife and you’ll surely end up with the right person. It never fails to delight me whenever I see the lovely couples in our church whom I believed sought the desire of God first and put it first and foremost before their own choice that’s why they remain in love and in full bloom with their partners.

Perhaps I miss the feeling of being in love with a living person that I let myself be encapsulated with the thoughts of meeting somebody who will rightfully share a space with Oliver in my heart. Everytime I meet someone, i can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, this man is already the man God planned for me. But no. None of them made it to God’s preference for me.

Those episodes were a bit disappointing, but I’m more hopeful now. I know that I am very much precious to God that He only wants the best for me. I’ve learned from my past mistakes and experiences. If before I easily sulk over a supposed-love-affair-that-just-ended-with-a-shrug-and-would-be’s, now I know how to handle situations like this better. I now pray for God’s desire for my life and not my own. I no longer pray for things that I want; rather, I pray for things that God wants for my life. It’s more of Him and less of me now.

And last night, as I went to God and sought comfort in Him for a somehow ‘hurting truth’ I’ve discovered, God revealed to me His promises through the book of Ecclesiastes: There’s always a time for everything. There’s no use rushing things if it’s not God doing or asking you to do it.

In this new life that I have with God, faith is what keeps me going and strong. I know that whatever circumstance I am and will be into, I just have to seek for God and His desire and I know that I’ll be alright. God is my strong refuge for always.

I am finally moving on and letting go….and I’m happily doing it with God.