Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Letting Go and Letting God

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace.

Last Monday night was one of those nights when I sincerely felt God talking to me through the words in the Bible. And these words from the book of Ecclesiastes, I believe, was God’s message for me.

When I had my Victory Weekend last March and wholly submitted my life to God’s loving embrace, I sincerely proclaimed that I’ll be letting go of my past already. I was not sure if I’m ready enough that time to actually move on and let go, but what mattered to me was God’s desire for my life and what would satisfy Him. I know that my continously living in the past and reliving each and every precious memories I had there were seemingly not the things that would delight God. And since I was declared a new creation, I know I have to live a new life with brand new dreams and hopes—and that meant letting go of Oliver and that love that once bound us.

It was hard. It was one of the toughest decisions I had to make. For almost 5 years since he died, I’ve never entertained the idea of letting go of him and finding new love. It was always the ‘you and me till eternity or till the next life.’ I was never comfortable with the idea of leaving the memories of us behind and building a new chapter of my life with another man.
But as it was God’s plan for me to lose a wonderful love to a sudden death at a tender age of 21, it’s also part of his majestic plan that I’ll one day be strong enough to let go of my past and move forward to the new phase of my journey.

I honestly don’t know if I’m already outfitted for this ‘moving on’ thing, but one thing’s for sure, God is working in my life now. If before I only have a passive relationship with him, now it’s definitely activated. I could feel Him and I know that He could already feel my love for Him. Perhaps, it’s my faith in God that prompted me to face the sad reality that Oliver can never go back to this life and that we’re now living in two different worlds. For years, I’ve believed that Oliver could still hear me or could still talk to me even in dreams. But I was wrong. I was told that I might just being deceived by my emotions. Oliver will never be brought back to life no matter how many stories of ressurrection or reincarnation I could read, or no matter how frequent I am in visiting him in the cemetery, or how much I plead God for another shot. What’s done is done and there’s truly nothing I could do to it than to move on and let go.

And with unswerving faith to God’s promises and His plans for my life, I declared during the casting out part in the VCF Weekend that I’m already letting go of my past and will now move into another chapter of my life.

Honestly, there was relief when I declared my vow to move on and let go. It was as if I was liberated and was awaken from a deep slumber. I must admit, though, I still nurture in my heart that special love for Oliver. But of course, that feeling won’t ever cease from my heart. It will forever be a part of my being. After all, Oliver is still my one great love, and as Ricky Lee put it in his book Para Kay B:

“kadalasan, hindi nakakatuluyan ng isang tao ang kanyang one great love. Mananatili lang yang nakatago sa isang sulok sa puso mo.”

And finally, I decided to open my heart again. And with this unlocking comes a new series of falling and getting hurt again. I’m really not sure if I’m already geared up for this whole thing again. For a time, I let myself believed that I’m already done with this whole kaboosh of love. For a long period of time, I’ve succesfully safeguarded my heart from the twinge of love. And now, I’m really not sure if it’s worth giving love a shot in my life again.
I must admit, the thought of meeting that man whom God really desires for my life, excites me. Whenever I hear the pastors from our church saying endearing words to their wives or sharing lovely stories of their romance, it thrills me to know that there is really that one soul that God really prepared for you alone. As what the pastors always say, seek God’s desire for your lovelife and you’ll surely end up with the right person. It never fails to delight me whenever I see the lovely couples in our church whom I believed sought the desire of God first and put it first and foremost before their own choice that’s why they remain in love and in full bloom with their partners.

Perhaps I miss the feeling of being in love with a living person that I let myself be encapsulated with the thoughts of meeting somebody who will rightfully share a space with Oliver in my heart. Everytime I meet someone, i can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, this man is already the man God planned for me. But no. None of them made it to God’s preference for me.

Those episodes were a bit disappointing, but I’m more hopeful now. I know that I am very much precious to God that He only wants the best for me. I’ve learned from my past mistakes and experiences. If before I easily sulk over a supposed-love-affair-that-just-ended-with-a-shrug-and-would-be’s, now I know how to handle situations like this better. I now pray for God’s desire for my life and not my own. I no longer pray for things that I want; rather, I pray for things that God wants for my life. It’s more of Him and less of me now.

And last night, as I went to God and sought comfort in Him for a somehow ‘hurting truth’ I’ve discovered, God revealed to me His promises through the book of Ecclesiastes: There’s always a time for everything. There’s no use rushing things if it’s not God doing or asking you to do it.

In this new life that I have with God, faith is what keeps me going and strong. I know that whatever circumstance I am and will be into, I just have to seek for God and His desire and I know that I’ll be alright. God is my strong refuge for always.

I am finally moving on and letting go….and I’m happily doing it with God.

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