Monday, October 26, 2009

I am Apple. Writer. Dreamer. Believer.

"Life is a journey. And we should live our lives knowing that we have occupied the dash between our birth and death dates."

-Trennie Williams-

I find myself once again at the pit of the two roads of life, with roads i meant choices and/or decisions i have to make. This is the third time this year that im feeling this way. But this time, it's much stronger, more intense. Could this be a sign that i really have to thread on the other side?

Growing up, I've always been sure of what I want in life, of what my dreams are. I simply want to pursue my passion in writing. I want to write a book, have it published, and leave an immortal legacy to this world via that masterpiece. I've always loved seeing my name on the byline of a magazine or a newspaper. Whenever I see my name after the 'written by' in an article published in a newspaper or magazine, there's always that magical feeling inside; a deep sense of satisfaction that only writers like me could understand.

Sadly, I've always known what I want but I didn't have enough power to do it. There's always the issue of family questioning you of your plans in life, underestimating the talents of the writers, underestimating the amount of money that writers could take home, or furthermore, there's always an issue on being able to provide b etter for your family. Being the eldest in the family, I initiated on taking the responsibility to provide for my family the best way i could. I might not be able to provide them fully their needs, but I know that I've got to be the one to have the most secured income. My dad's been ill-stricken with diabetes and heart complications for over a decade now so we couldn't rely on him anymore for monetary provisions and support.

I never want to work full time for any company. I never want to be tied up the whole day in an office cubicle, face to face with the computer, and going home not being able to experience sunset. I loathe waking up in the morning, rushing myself to the office. It's always been a dragging thing for me. I know I am never fit for a full time post. i don't like it. I don't want it. I just don't like it.

I know I'm better off doing things my own time, my own rules and regulations. i could even produce more doing things my own schedule and not having to follow the time set by a certain company. I used to work freelance before, as an online writer and contributor for various publications, and I will forever say that those were the best days of my career life. That time, I was able to really pursue my passion for writing. I had my articles published in various publications. That was indeed a dream come true for me. The pay wasn't that good, but there was deep satisfaction within me. I felt like i was in total synch with myself.

But the call to be of service to my family once again rang on me. So I had to leave my comfort zone and brave my way to the corporate world. At first, it was wonderful. Walking along the streets of the busy business district was fab. It was like watching myself walking along Manhattan or New York City in my favorite Hollywood films. But the fun died a natural death, a long time ago, long before I even reached my 1st Anniversary in that company. There was no realization, only longing for the life I used to have, doing things I like to do. But still I stayed. I don't have any choice. I have to be the responsible daughter and eldest sister that I should be. I can not afford to be self-serving. So i stayed in silent agony.

Now, I've already had enough of this you-have-to-stick-to-your-job-because-the-economy-is-hard-now thing. I have to make a stand to what I really want and what I really dreamt of my life to be. It doesn't mean that I will shift from the responsible to the self-serving person that I am. It doesn't also mean that I will stop thinking of family's sake now. It's more of taking this one big step towards a good change. It involves a lot of risks, but I know for sure that God will never let me down. I know I always have Him to back me up. After all, I consulted Him first before I will make any decisions.

In my present job, prestige is on my side. Wherever you go, when people ask you where you're working, there's always pride in my answer. But the pleasure ends there. I tried feeling if there's also fulfilment deep inside, but there wasn't even a hint. Of course I still owe something from my present job, but I have to admit that I am not really growing in there. I can't see myself improving or developing my skills further. What's worst was that I am feeling slowly growing apart and out of tune with my writer side. Sometimes I would sit in front of my laptop, trying to compose an article on my mind, but I just couldn't start a single line. I felt I was snatched from the real apple that I used to be. I felt being betrayed and being a traitor to myself for I know what I want but I am not doing enough to pursue it. I know this has to stop. I have to find myself again.

I am different from those people who are staying from their job just because they think they no longer have a choice. My dream is what setting me apart from them. i have a dream that i like and want to pursue. I am not only after money. money comes as a bonus for me. I want my old self back. I want my old, free-spirited, determined, and strong-willed self.

I am going to make a decision now. And I will choose the road less traveled, not because I don't care about my family, but because I know that bravely going after your dreams will always yield success. I am very positive about it. I have to find that happiness that I once allowed to be stolen from me. I have to make sure that I occupied fulfillingly that dash between my birthdate and my end time.

And as what my friend Pj told me: Nothing ever stopped you before, Apple.

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