My Faith Goals for 2010

This 2010, I'll try my best to:

Live well.
Love more.
Laugh often.
Smile frequently.
Be optimistic always.
Read more.
Pray and talk to God every single moment I could.
Spend a quiet time with God everyday.
Think good thoughts always.
More patience.
Forgive even when I'm not asked to.
Cry less.
Avoid hatred.
Avoid anger.
Avoid judging easily.
Get to know more people.
Sing often.
Dance my heart out.
Give selflessly.
Travel more.
Climb more mountains.
spend more time with myself and with my passion.
Stay focus.
Work harder but happily.
Be more goal-oriented.
Be more determined to achieve my goals.
Let go and move on.
Free myself from all bitterness and pains.


2010 is still a mystery for all of us. But we stay put in our faith, there's no way the coming year will be a bad year for us. We will surely meet some troubles and difficulties along the way, but we should not worry. Let us all cast our doubts and troubles to God for He is the source of our strength and no one else.

Keep your faith goals. Pray for it and ask God fervently for it. He will surely bless you with that in His right time. He is never deaf of our prayers. Believe that when you pray, God is already doing something for your prayer. It might not be visible instantly, but be rest assured that He is working His marvelous ways for your prayer requests.

God bless our 2010:-)

My Thank You List of 2009

I cannot consider 2009 a good year for me. So-so perhaps. Though, I still have a lot to be thankful for as this year is coming to an end.

*i'm still here, alive and kicking:-)
*my whole family's still complete.
*my papa's still with us, despite experiencing a near-death event.
*I am still a Christian and loving it. I am so grateful that God chose me to be part of His family of believers.
*I became part of the Kids Ministry in our church.
*I got to know a lot of people whom i will treasure forever.
*I still have a house and our stuff are still complete despite the Ondoy tragedy.
*Despite recession, I could still get to eat 3x a day--even more:-)
*I still have Oliver's family to call my second home.
*I was able to unleash another passion--mountain climbing!
*Ely Buendia's still alive.
*Tito, Vic, and Joey's still here.
*I got to know Peyton Sawyer and the rest of the One Tree Hill guys.
*i got to keep my true and faithful friends.
*I remained faithful and positive despite the various unfortunate circumstances I've went through this year.
*Me and Vannah got our franchised business.
*I was able to survive another year with Mandarin oriental,Manila:-)
*Despite many 'gastos' with papa's medications and hospitalization, we are still not banckrupt:-)
*I am thankful that I know God, that I could feel my love for Him is growing everyday, and that I was able to feel this feeling towards Him:-)

Remember, it doesn't hurt to keep an attitude of gratitude for there is always something to be thankful for:-). Our life, this world, our family and friends, they are enough reasons why we should continue the journey despite unfortunate circumstances and why we should stay focus to finish the race.

Always thank God in everything. You don't need a feng shui master, or lucky charms, or any magical powers that you can think of, to achieve or get what you want. Just ask God for HE ALONE could give you that. He is the ONLY God.

Happy New Year everyone! God bless us all:-)

Letter A or Letter B?

Ano ang mas masakit sa dalawa:

a. Umattend ng family affair ng boyfriend mo na pumanaw na at makita bawat mukha ng pamilya niya ang alaala ng boyfriend mo?

b. Umattend ng family affair nila at makita mo ang lalaking mahal na mahal mo na inaasikasong parang prinsesa ang babaeng pinalit niya sa'yo?

Para sa akin, masakit all of the above. Pero cguro mas madaling mag move on dun sa letter B. Kasi kung nde ka na niya mahal at nakita mong may ipinalit na sa'yo, eh luka2 ka na lang kung mag-stick ka pa. I'm sure may makikita ka pang lalake na talagang para sa'yo at deserving sa pagmamahal mo. Pero sa letter A, mahirap lalo na kung mahal na mahal mo yung lalake at namaalam siya sa mundo na to na ikaw ang laman ng puso niya.

May nagsabi sa akin noon, mga 5 years ago, matandang babae, na kapag daw ang isang tao namatay at ikaw ang laman ng puso, hanggang sa langit daw yun dala-dala niya ang pagmamahal niya sa'yo hanggang sa magkita kayong muli. Eternal love kumbaga.

Nung Linggo, December 27, binyag ang 1st birthday ng pamangkin ng eternal love ko. Ninang ako at kabilin-bilinan ng pamilya niya on both side na wag na wag akong mawawala. Medyo kinakabahan ako bago ako magpunta dun kasi halos isang taon din akong nde nakapunta sa affairs ng family niya sa side ng papa niya. Ngayon ko na lang sila makikita ulit. Kadalasan pag nagpupunta ako sa kanila, maagang-maaga para yung papa lang niya or tita lang niya ang makita ko. Mababait naman ang buong pamilya niya pero kse ang awkward pa din ng feeling eh kse hanggang ngayon hindi maalis sa isip ko na ako ang dahilan kung bakit wala na siya ngayon.

The night before the event, super pray ako na maging maayos at smooth ang takbo ng araw ko the next day. Syempre naisip ko ang eternal love ko. The what-might-have-beens. Naisip ko na cguro kung buhay lang siya, susunduin niya ako sa bahay at kasabay ko siyang pupunta sa simbahan. And as if nakita niya akong nagmumuni-muni nang gabing yon, dinalaw ako ng eternal love ko sa panaginip. Magkatabi daw kami sa upuan. Mahigpit lang daw kaming magkayakap. Ganon lang. Pero sapat na yun para maging okay ako pagkagising ko. Pakiramdam ko ipinarating niya sa akin sa panaginip ko na yun na kahit hindi ko siya nakikita physically, nasa tabi ko siya at kasama ko siyang aattend sa family affair nila.

Pagdating ko sa simbahan, nakita ko sila. Parang tuwang-tuwa sila ng makita ako lalo na ang papa niya. Siguro nde nila ineexpect na pupunta ako. Hindi ko alam pero pakiramdam ko ng mga oras na yun, napunan ko yung missing piece sa pamilya nila. Parang tlgang ako ang naging kapalit ng presensiya ni eternal love.

Sa reception, hindi ko maiwasan ang malungkot at maalala ang eternal love ko. nakita ko kasi ang mga pamangkin niya na malalaki na ngayon. Nang iniwan niya sila, maliit pa si agape. Ngayon halos magdadalaga na siya. At si manuel, ang pamangkin niya na sinasabing kawangis na kawangis niya, habang pinagmamasdan ko siya nung nakikigulo siya sa parlor games, para kong nakikita si eternal love. Bawat kilos niya, ipinapaalala niya siya sa akin. Parang gusto ko nga siyang lapitan nun at yakapin kaso bka maiskandalo ang bata kaya dedma na lang.

Tapos nilapitan ako ng kuya niya na pastor. Alam ko matagal na niya akong gustong kausapin para daw matuldukan na namin ang sakit na dulot ng pagpanaw ni eternal love. ang sabi sa akin ng kaibigan ko na kakilala din ni kuyang pastor, gusto daw ako kausapin ni kuya kasi alam niya na hanggang ngayon dala2 ko pa din ang burden nang pagkamatay niya, na hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa din pinapalaya ang sarili ko sa guilt. Pero nung time na lumapit sa akin si kuyang pastor, medyo pa-start na yung party kaya nagkwentuhan na lang kami tungkol sa buhay2 namin ngayon. Hindi na namin nagawang magusap tungkol sa issue ng pagpanaw ni eternal love pero nangako ako sa kanya na minsan ay magseservice ako sa church kung saan siya nagppreach. Kailangan ko din kasi cguro ng tao from their side na magpapalaya sa akin sa nararamdaman ko. Para kasing nung namatay siya, pinaguusapan namin siya pero hindi ang pagkamatay niya. Para bang palagi naming iniiwasang pagusapan ang dahilan ng pagkawala niya. Cguro nga panahon na.

Natapos ang event na okay naman. Walang awkward moments. Only moments of illustrious memories na walang sawang nagfflash sa utak ko. Sa loob ng limang taon mula ng pumanaw siya, palagi akong umaattend sa mga special events ng pamilya niya. Pag anniversary namin kasama ko ang mama't papa niya pati ang pinsan niya, tita niya, at lola niya na nagcecelebrate nun. Pag birthday ko nagcecelebrate din ako na kasama ko sila. Palagi lang siya ang kulang. Pero ngayon ko naramdaman ang oddity ng pagattend ng family affairs nila na wala na siya dun para samahan ako. Sa totoo lang, natutuwa ako kasi iba ang naging relasyon ko sa pamilya niya. Napanatili ko ang relasyon namin kahit na pa wala na siya. Pero ang hirap din pala sa side ko kasi at the end of the day, pag iisipin mo, nandun ako pero wala siya. Kasama ko sila at kasama nila ako pero wala siya.

May choice ako nun na putulin na ang ugnayan ko sa kanila. Cguro mas madaling mag-move on kung ganon ang nangyari. Pero hindi eh. Mas pinili kong ipagpatuloy ang koneksyon ko sa kanila. Sila na lang ang natatanging nagpapaalala sa akin na minsan sa buhay ko, nakilala ko Siya at naging parte siya ng buhay ko. At para sa kanila, ako ang nagsisilbing buhay na alaala niya sa kanila. Ako na ang anak, kapatid, pinsan, pamangkin, at tito/tita nila. Masarap na masakit. Hay bahala na nga si God. Hindi ko alam pero ang alam ko lang, mas gusto ko na ganito kesa hindi ko sila nakikita o kesa wala na akong communication sa kanila. mas okay na ako dito.

Sa tingin ko habambuhay na akong magiging parte ng buhay nila at ganon din sila sa akin. lalo na ang dami ko nang inaanak sa kanila. Bukod sa kanya, ang mga batang yon ang magsisilbing tali na nagkokonekta sa akin sa pamilya niya.

Outpourings III

I'd like to think that I'm a normal being although most of the time I act not.

I laughed my heart out and screamed in kilig while watching Boys Over Flowers (second time around) a few hours ago. Okay, so I'm a koreanovela freak. Now I know why my friend Dane's soooo gagah over this tv series.

A few hours after, I found myself crying over the Jennifer Aniston and Aaron Eckhart's movie "Love Happens Sometimes when you least expect it." It was about a widower who wrote a book on how to get over the loss of a loved one and eventually fell in love accidentally to the lady whom he'd just bumped in the hallway of the hotel. He, however, realized as they are starting to get to know each other, that he still isn't over the death of his wife.

I cried because i could feel the pain of the people in the story (Eckhart's followers who attended his seminar on recovery) who lost a loved one and can't seem to find the strength to move on and let go. I cried when I saw Eckhart burst into tears when he admitted to his audience that he himself hasn't fully recovered yet and that he still finds it hard to accept the fact that his wife's already gone. I cried when the father of his wife came to him on stage and hugged him and told him that they never blamed him for the death of his wife, that what they would have wanted was for Eckhart to mourn with them during his wife's death since Eckhart didn't go to his wife's funeral and he just simply cut the ties with them and his wife's memories. I cried because like him, I am still in so much pain for my unexpected loss. That after 5 long years, I still find myself crying during some nights when his memories flash in my mind. I cried because what i saw in the movie is a real-life drama of people who lost their loved ones to death.

It is hard. It is just so hard.

Outpouring # 3

I wish I could still hear your voice today.
I wish I could still feel your warm embrace and your gentle touch.
I wish I could still hold your hand so tight to tell you I'm not letting go.
I wish I could still hear you say "iloveyou."

I wish you could still join me on my Christmas shoppings.
I wish you could still join me hearing Sunday preachings at Victory.
You should've told me you're a born-again Christian, too.
i wish I could still kiss you when the church leader would say 'greet your loved one beside you.'
I wish we could still hold hands while walking along the busy but amicably serene Manila Bay.

I wish you could see how I look good in my newly-cut hair.
I wish you could be one of those people who remarked that my new look fits me well.
I wish we could still celebrate our monthsary in December at Enchanted Kingdom, like what we did during our 14th month of being together.

I wish you could still hear me say 'iloveyou.'
I wish you could still feel the warmth of my embrace.
I wish I could still prepare your food and put lots of rice on your plates when you eat at our house.
I wish I could still talk to you over the phone and talk just about everything.
I wish I could still wait for your late night calls and sneak out from my room when i hear the phone rings.

I wish we could still grow old together.
I wish we could create more wonderful memories with each other.

it could have been us forever.
we could have built a wonderful family of ours.
We could have 5 beautiful and adorable kids calling us 'mommy and daddy.'
We could have lived together in a nice house we jointly built for our family.
We could have shared countless breakfasts, lunches, dinners,a nd even mid-night snacks together.
I could have learned to cooka special dish just for you--even if I really loathe cooking.
I could have been the greatest wife in your world and you could have been the greatest husband in mine.
We could have been the greatest and most loving parents for our little kids.

But we aren't. We no longer can.
I could just wish for those things.
I know you could just wish for those, too.
God has a different plan for our lives--very different from what we planned for ours.
While He chose me to stay and continue the journey of my life, He chose you to join Him in His paradise.

Now, I find myself doing my Christmas shopping alone.
It seems I don't want anybody to do shopping with me other than you.
I am alone. I am in deep pain.
But life should go on. Life must go on.
I still have a journey to continue.
I still have a chapter to unravel.
Who knows what God has in store for me in the future.
I'm just holding on to my dear faith that things will be better again.
I will feel better again.

A lot of what-might-have-been's.
A lot of what-used-to-be's.
But God works in ways we can never comprehend and contest.
I always believe in God's wonderful ways.

I might not be able to end up calling you my 'official husband.'
But you will always be the only true love my heart knows.
We may be a divinely world's apart.
But all our wonderful memories will always keep us closer, at least for the rest of mine.

Outpouring #2

I'm not ready yet. God knows I'm still not. Only the Father knows the silent longings of my heart.

In time, God will make me ready enough to traverse on a new journey of my life.

Outpouring of the heart

I found myself crying again. Deep pain. Throbbing. I'm missing you again. I'm missing every part of you in my life.

I never thought I would ever ask myself again this question: why did you have to leave? why did you have to do that and cause me this unending pain? You took your own life and you didn't realize that you took mine, too.

i find myself lost in translation again. I am in once again mourning for a lost love.

I am yearning for you. I am forever longing for your warm embrace, your loving touch, and your magical kisses.

The last seven years of my life, never a day goes by that I didn't think of you. Since the day you walked into my life, your face has always been the only image of a man that mind and my heart knows.

God, i'm missing you sooo bad! I realized, all those days that I felt not wanting you are the days when i'm cheating myself of reality. Those ae the days that i succesfully ran away from the sad reality of my life---that you are indeed gone and will never come back again in this life.

I am crying. Deeply crying. Tears continously flow down my eyes as I'm typing this. It is the only way i know to let this heavy feeling in my heart breakaway. I don't have anyone to talk to about you. They've all grown tired f listening to my stories of us. I only have myself and my little space to cherish us and the memories we both shared wonderfully.

I love you. I am forever loving every part of you in my life. you are the greatest man I've ever met in my life. You will forever be God's most precious gift to me.

Go on loving me, too, until we see each other again in God's wonderful paradise.


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