It was August 21st--our 104th monthsary. Friday night and I had nothing to do so I decided to watch And I Love You So--Out of curiosity because a friend told me I could relate to this movie very well. So i did.
And yes, that friend of mine was right. I could very well relate. At what point? No, it isn't only a single point because there were lots, so here are the points:
• Lara’s husband’s name is Oliver. My one true love’s name is Oliver.
• Oliver in the movie died in October. My Oliver died in September; his birth month was October. We became lovers in October.
• Lara and Oliver in the movie only got to spend 5 months as husband and wife since Oliver died on the very day of Lara’s birthday. Me and Oliver got to spend two wonderful years together as boyfriend and girlfriend before God finally called him back to His kingdom. Lara’s luckier since she was able to marry her greatest love and got to be called Mrs Oliver Cruz, while I could only dream of mine and Oliver’s wedding and just settle on adding his surname to my name through my yahoo mail account.
• Oliver’s family in the movie loves Lara so much that the mother even asked Lara to just live with them in their house. Likewise for me, Oliver’s family also does love me, and they never blame me for whatever happened to him. They continued loving me and showing me importance and great affection even after Oliver’s death.
• Lara in the movie is a pre-school teacher and runs her own pre-school which was provided for her by Oliver. I am currently preparing for my entrance exam in UP for a Masters in Education Teaching in the Early Grade so I could be equipped with enough knowledge to teach in pre-school and have my own pre-school in the future.
• Lara in the movie wears some of the stuff of Oliver such as his watch. I used to wear Oliver’s pajama pair and his shirt and sando. There were also moments before when I used to put all of his stuff beside my pillow at night just so I could feel him near me. I stopped doing those things, but I’m still using his blanket.
• Lara talks to Oliver like as if he’s still alive. I used to talk to Oliver every waking moment of my life since he left. I talked to him in the morning, lunchtime, dinner time, and before I go to sleep. I also talk to him whenever I visit him in the cemetery. (But of course, things changed when I became a Christian)
• There was a part in the movie when Lara refused to accept the love that Sam Milby was offering her just because she doesn’t want to forget the love she gave her husband. She doesn’t want to create new memories with another man.
A year after my Oliver died, I met a guy who openly confessed his love for me and that he’s willing to leave her girlfriend that time for me. Alright, alright, that’s seems sooo superficial for those people who’ve known me since I was in grade school, but guys, that’s super true, too I myself can’t believe that was true
But of course, being the love-struck with my first love that I am, I refused that offer, and I haven’t heard from him after.
The second year after Oliver’s death, another guy came into the picture and would like to take Oliver’s space. Again, I refused. On the third year, another guy came again, and that time, I seemed to like the guy, too. But then again, like is very much different from love so I refused that guy’s offer, too. On the 4th year, two guys showed their interest for me, which I both carefully declined.
After Oliver died, I honestly felt my hair is already reaching the floor I wasn’t wooed by guys before—to that effect. Before I met Oliver, I even used to feel I’m never pretty enough to be liked by guys. And then suddenly, there were those guys who openly professed their affection for me. In other occasion, I might have accepted their offer one by one (dyosa aq!), but then again, my life was made different with Oliver’s coming into my life and his death. When he died, I felt that my heart died with him, too, that it can never beat again. My heart belongs to him and I wanna die loving him the same way he died loving only me. It was just so hard opening your heart again to welcome a new love because you know in your heart that it’s already taken in full by your one and only love.
• One memorable part in the movie for me was when Lara tried doing the things she and Oliver did together when he was still alive, like watching movies or eating in a fine-dining restaurant, and going to the places they used to go to together. If I could relate, I was once as coward as she was in the start. I used to be so afraid passing by those places we used to visit together, or even eat the foods we used to eat together. It took me three or four years before I finally watched a movie in a movie house again. I felt so pathetic that time. I felt my world suddenly became small that the things I could do suddenly became limited just because I was afraid to inflame the pain in my heart again. But then again, God’s very good that He really helped me throughout my mourning and adjusting phase. I didn’t plan on it but one morning, I suddenly felt ready to visit those places I used to avoid and let myself watch a movie alone. That was really magical. I suddenly felt emancipated.
For now, those were just the things that I deemed common between me and the story of Lara in the movie. I don’t have any inkling if God would want our story to be akin until the end—which is me finding a new love again. One thing’s for sure, I still love my Oliver, I’ll continue loving him and I’ll never ever forget him until the day of our reunion. However, that doesn’t mean my heart’s still close for a new love. God already opened it. I’ll just let God lead the way for me. After all, He is the creator of the best love stories in this world
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Why I Love VCF (esp U-belt)
Alive! Alive! Yan ang laging naiisip ng mga tao pag nakakarinig sila ng word na "Christian." To be honest, I also had that kind of impression back then. Blame it on our neighbor in Sampaloc before who used to hold Bible study sessions in their house and then singing Alive Alive, Alive forevermore afterwards. Or more so, blame it on the wrong and/or exgerrated portrayal of media about Christian fellowships and services (remember Jologs?).
But really, today's Christian fellowship services is no longer about crying and laughing and crying again, all eyes closed, and all hands waving (imagine the picture?). Christian fellowships nowadays are more into practical approach in order to entice more people into listening and talking about God and never to scare them out. Thankfully, more people no longer perceive Christianity as being baduy or boring, but rather, it's one of the coolest things to get involved with.
I am one of those thousands of born-again Christians who are blessed enough to have found God and be part of a church who is not legalistic in its manner of teaching God's laws--Victory Christian Fellowship. And for almost 3 years that I've been part of VCF, there was never really a time that I felt regretful or discontented of my chosen community.
To make u understand why I love VCF so much (especially U-belt), here are the reasons:
1. The teachings are practical. They will not command you to do this and that or tell you not to do this and that. Instead, they believe that your love for God will eventually help you do things according to God's will.
2. Every church service is like a seminar and a concert all rolled into one. Sabi nga ng isang friend q na naisama q sa U-belt one time, "ang saya naman, parang may concert lang." The setting is like in an auditorium with a big stage at the center, all musical equipments present. Even the design of the stage is fabulous! As for the preaching, para ka lang nakikinig ng homily na never kang aantukin at mabobore kse lahat ng messages, may weight tlga at super tatagos sa puso't isipan mo:-)
3. The music ministry is super awesome! As in wala aqng masabi. Para mo na ring napanood na nagperform ang Hillsong United at lahat ng worship singers ng live! Fabulous tlga!
4. The pastors are all good-looking:-) Wala ka tlgang itatapon!
5. Ang cool ng mga pastors! Nakakita ka na ba ng pastor na nag-super luigi sa service? or nag-ala matrix kya? or ng youth pastor na pinapasakay ang mga members sa jeep na nasa unahan at nde nakapila tapos sisigawa siya ng barker kse nga nde pa un ang susunod na jeep, tapos ipipilit pa din niya, tapos dadating ang head pastor at palokong tatanuning siyan: Why are you cheating?" at sasagutin lang niya na, "eh mababasa kse sila eh" in a boyish manner? sa VCF lang un:-) Or ng pastor na nagpapavote ng venue for retreat pero dadayain kunwari ung count? or ng pastor na nang mahulog ang cord ng mic pagbigay sa kanya ng isang church leader eh pinilit pigilin ang tawa at nasabi na lang eh: "Holy Spirit come back" sabay ngiti?
6. The technical team is marvelous! The powerpoint presentations, the slideshows, all the visuals, the audios, everything! Fabulous lahat! Even the background of the lyrics kapag pinapakita sa lcd screens are fabulous din!
7. It's fun being part of the ministry. Lahat ng ministries okay tlga. It's not only a venue to serve God but also, it serves as a way to meet with other Christians and have fellowship with them.
8. The topics are amazing. Tlgang pinagiisipan bawat series. They're making it in a way na nde ma-bobore tlga ang mga members.
9. The events and activities are really fun-filled and wonderful. From the 7-day fasting to Freshmen night, to singles teambuilding and retreat, to Christmas Parties, etc., all of these are fantastic!
10. The centers are all grand-. Para kang nanonood ng concert tlga. Sound-proof. Well-lit, big enough to house a big number of people. There are also different rooms for the Toddlers, kids from 3-5, and kids from 6-12.
Actually, i could write a lot of things about VCF that i love the most, but perhaps, these things are a perfect summary of all. I feel really blessed to be part of Victory Christian Fellowship.
To God be the glory!
But really, today's Christian fellowship services is no longer about crying and laughing and crying again, all eyes closed, and all hands waving (imagine the picture?). Christian fellowships nowadays are more into practical approach in order to entice more people into listening and talking about God and never to scare them out. Thankfully, more people no longer perceive Christianity as being baduy or boring, but rather, it's one of the coolest things to get involved with.
I am one of those thousands of born-again Christians who are blessed enough to have found God and be part of a church who is not legalistic in its manner of teaching God's laws--Victory Christian Fellowship. And for almost 3 years that I've been part of VCF, there was never really a time that I felt regretful or discontented of my chosen community.
To make u understand why I love VCF so much (especially U-belt), here are the reasons:
1. The teachings are practical. They will not command you to do this and that or tell you not to do this and that. Instead, they believe that your love for God will eventually help you do things according to God's will.
2. Every church service is like a seminar and a concert all rolled into one. Sabi nga ng isang friend q na naisama q sa U-belt one time, "ang saya naman, parang may concert lang." The setting is like in an auditorium with a big stage at the center, all musical equipments present. Even the design of the stage is fabulous! As for the preaching, para ka lang nakikinig ng homily na never kang aantukin at mabobore kse lahat ng messages, may weight tlga at super tatagos sa puso't isipan mo:-)
3. The music ministry is super awesome! As in wala aqng masabi. Para mo na ring napanood na nagperform ang Hillsong United at lahat ng worship singers ng live! Fabulous tlga!
4. The pastors are all good-looking:-) Wala ka tlgang itatapon!
5. Ang cool ng mga pastors! Nakakita ka na ba ng pastor na nag-super luigi sa service? or nag-ala matrix kya? or ng youth pastor na pinapasakay ang mga members sa jeep na nasa unahan at nde nakapila tapos sisigawa siya ng barker kse nga nde pa un ang susunod na jeep, tapos ipipilit pa din niya, tapos dadating ang head pastor at palokong tatanuning siyan: Why are you cheating?" at sasagutin lang niya na, "eh mababasa kse sila eh" in a boyish manner? sa VCF lang un:-) Or ng pastor na nagpapavote ng venue for retreat pero dadayain kunwari ung count? or ng pastor na nang mahulog ang cord ng mic pagbigay sa kanya ng isang church leader eh pinilit pigilin ang tawa at nasabi na lang eh: "Holy Spirit come back" sabay ngiti?
6. The technical team is marvelous! The powerpoint presentations, the slideshows, all the visuals, the audios, everything! Fabulous lahat! Even the background of the lyrics kapag pinapakita sa lcd screens are fabulous din!
7. It's fun being part of the ministry. Lahat ng ministries okay tlga. It's not only a venue to serve God but also, it serves as a way to meet with other Christians and have fellowship with them.
8. The topics are amazing. Tlgang pinagiisipan bawat series. They're making it in a way na nde ma-bobore tlga ang mga members.
9. The events and activities are really fun-filled and wonderful. From the 7-day fasting to Freshmen night, to singles teambuilding and retreat, to Christmas Parties, etc., all of these are fantastic!
10. The centers are all grand-. Para kang nanonood ng concert tlga. Sound-proof. Well-lit, big enough to house a big number of people. There are also different rooms for the Toddlers, kids from 3-5, and kids from 6-12.
Actually, i could write a lot of things about VCF that i love the most, but perhaps, these things are a perfect summary of all. I feel really blessed to be part of Victory Christian Fellowship.
To God be the glory!
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Usapang Bata 1
Dayalogo namin ni Chloe (my 5-year old cousin):
Ako: Beh, magiging magkapit-bahay na tau eh.
Chloe: Ayoko.
Ako: bket naman?
Chloe: Eh kse lagi aq pupunta sa inyo. Tandaan mo, magiging malaki bahay q.
Ako: pano naman?
Chloe: syempre magiging stewardess aq.
Ako: Eh ang taba-taba mo kya.
Chloe: Pagdating q ng 12, payat n aq.
Ako: Ano? 12 pa? Bket nde pa ngaun?
Chloe: eh syempre bata pa aq. pagdting q na lang ng 12.kakain muna aq ngaun.
Pambihira!
Ako: Beh, magiging magkapit-bahay na tau eh.
Chloe: Ayoko.
Ako: bket naman?
Chloe: Eh kse lagi aq pupunta sa inyo. Tandaan mo, magiging malaki bahay q.
Ako: pano naman?
Chloe: syempre magiging stewardess aq.
Ako: Eh ang taba-taba mo kya.
Chloe: Pagdating q ng 12, payat n aq.
Ako: Ano? 12 pa? Bket nde pa ngaun?
Chloe: eh syempre bata pa aq. pagdting q na lang ng 12.kakain muna aq ngaun.
Pambihira!
Monday, July 6, 2009
God the Father Revealed-Week 2 Reconciliation
In last week’s service at VCF-Malate, Pastor Nixon talked about the Parableof the Prodigal Son. He further explained that in that parable, there is actually three prodigal characters: the second son (which is the one we already know about), the first son, and the father himself.
First, let’s define the meaning of the word Prodigal.
Prodigal means to give lavishly or extravagantly wasteful.
The second son who asked for his inheritance from his father and left their home was said to be prodigal because he lavishly wasted all the money he got from his father to some worldly things. As for the first son—the one who chose to stay with his father and tend his flocks—he was said to be prodigal, too, for the reason that he wasted extravagantly the time he's supposed to show his love for his father and just opted to focus more on tending the flock and the field.
So why is it that the father is also being considered prodigal?
Simply because he is extravagantly giving all his love to his sons without even thinking if that love is being wasted or not. Despite what the second son had done to him, he still accepted him when he returned and even called a feast for him. Moreover, when the first son got angry at him and chided him for still accepting the second son, he didn’t get angry at him. Instead, the father just hugged him and explained to him the reason why he still chose to accept the second son.
Our good God is exactly like the father in the story of the Prodigal Son. We might have failed him a million of times before or we might still be doing a lot of wrongs in our lives now, but He never and will never take His back on us.
More often than not, we chose to live in the way the norms of this world had thought us to live. We often neglect the teachings of God and laid comfortably on the thought that God will always understand that we are just human beings and are obviously prone to temptations. True, God will always forgive, but don’t you think that we are being too harsh on God, too unfair to Him? We always ask for His blessings, for His provisions in our lives, but we seldom take the initiative to delight Him by following Him. In our minds, we often reason out: This isn’t my time yet to be Holy, or to follow God and His rules, or to read the Bible, etc.
So when will be the right time? When we are already old enough to regret on the wasting a good part of our lives following the norms of this world? Or when we are already on our deathbed and just waiting for God’s call?
God, like most of the loving fathers we have, is a very loving, caring, and considerate father . He always gives and never ask for a grand thing from us. What He only asks of us is to love Him back, spend a couple of minutes of each day talking to Him, and just rest our faith in Him. He never asked us to give up our lives for Him for He knows that it’ll be too much for us to handle.
Let us not look at God us only our CREATOR. Rather, it’ll be much sweeter and lovely if we’ll start looking at God us our very own father who is always more than willing to bless us and delight us with good provisions.
First, let’s define the meaning of the word Prodigal.
Prodigal means to give lavishly or extravagantly wasteful.
The second son who asked for his inheritance from his father and left their home was said to be prodigal because he lavishly wasted all the money he got from his father to some worldly things. As for the first son—the one who chose to stay with his father and tend his flocks—he was said to be prodigal, too, for the reason that he wasted extravagantly the time he's supposed to show his love for his father and just opted to focus more on tending the flock and the field.
So why is it that the father is also being considered prodigal?
Simply because he is extravagantly giving all his love to his sons without even thinking if that love is being wasted or not. Despite what the second son had done to him, he still accepted him when he returned and even called a feast for him. Moreover, when the first son got angry at him and chided him for still accepting the second son, he didn’t get angry at him. Instead, the father just hugged him and explained to him the reason why he still chose to accept the second son.
Our good God is exactly like the father in the story of the Prodigal Son. We might have failed him a million of times before or we might still be doing a lot of wrongs in our lives now, but He never and will never take His back on us.
More often than not, we chose to live in the way the norms of this world had thought us to live. We often neglect the teachings of God and laid comfortably on the thought that God will always understand that we are just human beings and are obviously prone to temptations. True, God will always forgive, but don’t you think that we are being too harsh on God, too unfair to Him? We always ask for His blessings, for His provisions in our lives, but we seldom take the initiative to delight Him by following Him. In our minds, we often reason out: This isn’t my time yet to be Holy, or to follow God and His rules, or to read the Bible, etc.
So when will be the right time? When we are already old enough to regret on the wasting a good part of our lives following the norms of this world? Or when we are already on our deathbed and just waiting for God’s call?
God, like most of the loving fathers we have, is a very loving, caring, and considerate father . He always gives and never ask for a grand thing from us. What He only asks of us is to love Him back, spend a couple of minutes of each day talking to Him, and just rest our faith in Him. He never asked us to give up our lives for Him for He knows that it’ll be too much for us to handle.
Let us not look at God us only our CREATOR. Rather, it’ll be much sweeter and lovely if we’ll start looking at God us our very own father who is always more than willing to bless us and delight us with good provisions.
Just Because I Can't Stop Watching 'Man in the Mirror' in YOUTUBE.
I have to be honest. I’m not a big Michael Jackson fan. Last I checked, I didn’t have any of his song in my playlist. Perhaps, it’s because I was too young to admire a singer/performer during the time when he was at the peak of his career.
But then again, the news of his sudden death really shocked and saddened me. It, however, took a couple of days before his death finally dawned on me. My office mate even called me in my mobile that day to ask if I was alright (knowing I’m the type of person who will literally cry over the death of people, especially entertainers). But to be honest, I can’t really find the right emotion to feel that day when he was announced dead in the news. I didn’t know if I should feel happy for Michael Jackson that finally, he will have that rest and peace he’d long been wishing for; or sad for the one and only King of Pop is now gone for good.
Frankly, when I heard of the news, the first thing (person) that crossed my mind was Ely Buendia. Weird, but true. I felt afraid of what might happen to Ely Buendia or what would I feel should Ely have a heart attack again. Ely was to me what Michael is for my mom and my titos and titas.
But then again, guess I couldn’t really let MJ’s death pass by without me letting out my heartfelt emotion over what had befalled. As expected, I also cried over MJ’s passing away. This happened just last Friday night after watching Repertory Philippine’s Funtastiks (connect?). For few days, I’ve been avoiding the feeling of sadness over his death for I don’t want to burden myself with the sad memories of his death (so feel q tlga, close kme!). Michael Jackson is just a big guy in the history of music and his death is really something that you couldn’t easily shrug off or accept. Hearing his songs being played over and over again everywhere really added insult to the injury.
I may not be a big fan of his music or his songs but I’ve always liked Michael Jackson as a person. Even when the news about his child molestation cases was put out and was highly publicized before, never did I lost my admiration for him as a person. I’ve always felt he is a good person—only that, he was filled with sad and bitter emotions. He might be one of the richest persons in this world, but emptiness still clouded his sad life.
Perhaps, the reason why I didn't cry hard when I heard of his death is because I felt that WE'VE LOST MICHAEL JACKSON A LONG TIME AGO. During those times when the media didn't want to give him the privacy and peaceful life that he wants, we've already lost him because he chose to veer away from the cruel world of entertainment and media. It's just so sad that now that he decided to resurrect from his long slumber, God decided to call him back to His kingdom. But that's just the way it is. God has His own reasons. Perhaps, He saw that MJ is already tired of this life-long battle with sorrow and emptiness that He decided to put an end to MJ's misery. At least now, our one and only King of Pop has finally found the fulfilment that he'd long been searching for.
Michael Jackson. King of Pop. His music will forever play in the hearts of his millions of fans all over the world. At one point, his music really helped heal this world. With his music, he was able to unite the people through a common interest. And then again, by his death, the whole world is also united in mourning for him.
Here's to a wonderful journey towards the eternal life to the one and only King of Pop--Michael Jackson!
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Letting Go and Letting God
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace.
Last Monday night was one of those nights when I sincerely felt God talking to me through the words in the Bible. And these words from the book of Ecclesiastes, I believe, was God’s message for me.
When I had my Victory Weekend last March and wholly submitted my life to God’s loving embrace, I sincerely proclaimed that I’ll be letting go of my past already. I was not sure if I’m ready enough that time to actually move on and let go, but what mattered to me was God’s desire for my life and what would satisfy Him. I know that my continously living in the past and reliving each and every precious memories I had there were seemingly not the things that would delight God. And since I was declared a new creation, I know I have to live a new life with brand new dreams and hopes—and that meant letting go of Oliver and that love that once bound us.
It was hard. It was one of the toughest decisions I had to make. For almost 5 years since he died, I’ve never entertained the idea of letting go of him and finding new love. It was always the ‘you and me till eternity or till the next life.’ I was never comfortable with the idea of leaving the memories of us behind and building a new chapter of my life with another man.
But as it was God’s plan for me to lose a wonderful love to a sudden death at a tender age of 21, it’s also part of his majestic plan that I’ll one day be strong enough to let go of my past and move forward to the new phase of my journey.
I honestly don’t know if I’m already outfitted for this ‘moving on’ thing, but one thing’s for sure, God is working in my life now. If before I only have a passive relationship with him, now it’s definitely activated. I could feel Him and I know that He could already feel my love for Him. Perhaps, it’s my faith in God that prompted me to face the sad reality that Oliver can never go back to this life and that we’re now living in two different worlds. For years, I’ve believed that Oliver could still hear me or could still talk to me even in dreams. But I was wrong. I was told that I might just being deceived by my emotions. Oliver will never be brought back to life no matter how many stories of ressurrection or reincarnation I could read, or no matter how frequent I am in visiting him in the cemetery, or how much I plead God for another shot. What’s done is done and there’s truly nothing I could do to it than to move on and let go.
And with unswerving faith to God’s promises and His plans for my life, I declared during the casting out part in the VCF Weekend that I’m already letting go of my past and will now move into another chapter of my life.
Honestly, there was relief when I declared my vow to move on and let go. It was as if I was liberated and was awaken from a deep slumber. I must admit, though, I still nurture in my heart that special love for Oliver. But of course, that feeling won’t ever cease from my heart. It will forever be a part of my being. After all, Oliver is still my one great love, and as Ricky Lee put it in his book Para Kay B:
“kadalasan, hindi nakakatuluyan ng isang tao ang kanyang one great love. Mananatili lang yang nakatago sa isang sulok sa puso mo.”
And finally, I decided to open my heart again. And with this unlocking comes a new series of falling and getting hurt again. I’m really not sure if I’m already geared up for this whole thing again. For a time, I let myself believed that I’m already done with this whole kaboosh of love. For a long period of time, I’ve succesfully safeguarded my heart from the twinge of love. And now, I’m really not sure if it’s worth giving love a shot in my life again.
I must admit, the thought of meeting that man whom God really desires for my life, excites me. Whenever I hear the pastors from our church saying endearing words to their wives or sharing lovely stories of their romance, it thrills me to know that there is really that one soul that God really prepared for you alone. As what the pastors always say, seek God’s desire for your lovelife and you’ll surely end up with the right person. It never fails to delight me whenever I see the lovely couples in our church whom I believed sought the desire of God first and put it first and foremost before their own choice that’s why they remain in love and in full bloom with their partners.
Perhaps I miss the feeling of being in love with a living person that I let myself be encapsulated with the thoughts of meeting somebody who will rightfully share a space with Oliver in my heart. Everytime I meet someone, i can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, this man is already the man God planned for me. But no. None of them made it to God’s preference for me.
Those episodes were a bit disappointing, but I’m more hopeful now. I know that I am very much precious to God that He only wants the best for me. I’ve learned from my past mistakes and experiences. If before I easily sulk over a supposed-love-affair-that-just-ended-with-a-shrug-and-would-be’s, now I know how to handle situations like this better. I now pray for God’s desire for my life and not my own. I no longer pray for things that I want; rather, I pray for things that God wants for my life. It’s more of Him and less of me now.
And last night, as I went to God and sought comfort in Him for a somehow ‘hurting truth’ I’ve discovered, God revealed to me His promises through the book of Ecclesiastes: There’s always a time for everything. There’s no use rushing things if it’s not God doing or asking you to do it.
In this new life that I have with God, faith is what keeps me going and strong. I know that whatever circumstance I am and will be into, I just have to seek for God and His desire and I know that I’ll be alright. God is my strong refuge for always.
I am finally moving on and letting go….and I’m happily doing it with God.
A time to be born, and a time to die;a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;a time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;a time for war, and a time for peace.
Last Monday night was one of those nights when I sincerely felt God talking to me through the words in the Bible. And these words from the book of Ecclesiastes, I believe, was God’s message for me.
When I had my Victory Weekend last March and wholly submitted my life to God’s loving embrace, I sincerely proclaimed that I’ll be letting go of my past already. I was not sure if I’m ready enough that time to actually move on and let go, but what mattered to me was God’s desire for my life and what would satisfy Him. I know that my continously living in the past and reliving each and every precious memories I had there were seemingly not the things that would delight God. And since I was declared a new creation, I know I have to live a new life with brand new dreams and hopes—and that meant letting go of Oliver and that love that once bound us.
It was hard. It was one of the toughest decisions I had to make. For almost 5 years since he died, I’ve never entertained the idea of letting go of him and finding new love. It was always the ‘you and me till eternity or till the next life.’ I was never comfortable with the idea of leaving the memories of us behind and building a new chapter of my life with another man.
But as it was God’s plan for me to lose a wonderful love to a sudden death at a tender age of 21, it’s also part of his majestic plan that I’ll one day be strong enough to let go of my past and move forward to the new phase of my journey.
I honestly don’t know if I’m already outfitted for this ‘moving on’ thing, but one thing’s for sure, God is working in my life now. If before I only have a passive relationship with him, now it’s definitely activated. I could feel Him and I know that He could already feel my love for Him. Perhaps, it’s my faith in God that prompted me to face the sad reality that Oliver can never go back to this life and that we’re now living in two different worlds. For years, I’ve believed that Oliver could still hear me or could still talk to me even in dreams. But I was wrong. I was told that I might just being deceived by my emotions. Oliver will never be brought back to life no matter how many stories of ressurrection or reincarnation I could read, or no matter how frequent I am in visiting him in the cemetery, or how much I plead God for another shot. What’s done is done and there’s truly nothing I could do to it than to move on and let go.
And with unswerving faith to God’s promises and His plans for my life, I declared during the casting out part in the VCF Weekend that I’m already letting go of my past and will now move into another chapter of my life.
Honestly, there was relief when I declared my vow to move on and let go. It was as if I was liberated and was awaken from a deep slumber. I must admit, though, I still nurture in my heart that special love for Oliver. But of course, that feeling won’t ever cease from my heart. It will forever be a part of my being. After all, Oliver is still my one great love, and as Ricky Lee put it in his book Para Kay B:
“kadalasan, hindi nakakatuluyan ng isang tao ang kanyang one great love. Mananatili lang yang nakatago sa isang sulok sa puso mo.”
And finally, I decided to open my heart again. And with this unlocking comes a new series of falling and getting hurt again. I’m really not sure if I’m already geared up for this whole thing again. For a time, I let myself believed that I’m already done with this whole kaboosh of love. For a long period of time, I’ve succesfully safeguarded my heart from the twinge of love. And now, I’m really not sure if it’s worth giving love a shot in my life again.
I must admit, the thought of meeting that man whom God really desires for my life, excites me. Whenever I hear the pastors from our church saying endearing words to their wives or sharing lovely stories of their romance, it thrills me to know that there is really that one soul that God really prepared for you alone. As what the pastors always say, seek God’s desire for your lovelife and you’ll surely end up with the right person. It never fails to delight me whenever I see the lovely couples in our church whom I believed sought the desire of God first and put it first and foremost before their own choice that’s why they remain in love and in full bloom with their partners.
Perhaps I miss the feeling of being in love with a living person that I let myself be encapsulated with the thoughts of meeting somebody who will rightfully share a space with Oliver in my heart. Everytime I meet someone, i can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, this man is already the man God planned for me. But no. None of them made it to God’s preference for me.
Those episodes were a bit disappointing, but I’m more hopeful now. I know that I am very much precious to God that He only wants the best for me. I’ve learned from my past mistakes and experiences. If before I easily sulk over a supposed-love-affair-that-just-ended-with-a-shrug-and-would-be’s, now I know how to handle situations like this better. I now pray for God’s desire for my life and not my own. I no longer pray for things that I want; rather, I pray for things that God wants for my life. It’s more of Him and less of me now.
And last night, as I went to God and sought comfort in Him for a somehow ‘hurting truth’ I’ve discovered, God revealed to me His promises through the book of Ecclesiastes: There’s always a time for everything. There’s no use rushing things if it’s not God doing or asking you to do it.
In this new life that I have with God, faith is what keeps me going and strong. I know that whatever circumstance I am and will be into, I just have to seek for God and His desire and I know that I’ll be alright. God is my strong refuge for always.
I am finally moving on and letting go….and I’m happily doing it with God.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)