Monday, October 13, 2008

I Found A New Passion

Dialogue from last week’s small group session with Ate Noemi:

Noemi: Ikaw Apple, nakikita q sau ung potential na maging isang missionary.
Me: Ako? Missionary? Nyek! Tlga?
Noemi: Oo. Tandaan mo ‘tong araw na ‘to, this exact time na sinabi q sau yan. Believe me, magiging isang missionary ka.

And a smile was plastered on my face from that time onwards.

To be perfectly frank and honest, never in my 25 years of existence had I imagined or even thought of myself as going to various places all over the world and spreading the good news about God. I mean, of course I love God with all my heart and with all my soul, but I just can’t seem to see myself doing that kind of thing. Not that I’m ashamed of it. It’s more of, “man, I’m apple lopez. Ask those people who know me and let them define what kind of person I am? Do you think those people would believe the things I say?” Wheewww!

I am not a good person. I’m friendly and approachable, but I’m not really good. I have my own dark side. My mom could definitely attest that they’re all frantic in the house every time I lose my temper. I’m never a good daughter or a sister. Not even a great friend. So how, in all sense of the word ‘how’ could someone see me as a future missionary and lecturer of the mighty words of God?

Nevertheless, I must admit that that ‘odd’ statement from my small group leader really did make me smile from the inside out. And then again, I was blessed with another goal in my life; another thing to hope for—and that’s to be a missionary of God.

Most people who’ve known me since time immemorial may find this really funny. Moreover, I might be ridiculed by my beloved friends for this another realization of mine. I could imagine them bursting out their hearts out with laughter once they found out about this new ‘trip’ of mine.

Oh well, whatever! Unimaginable as it is, but I believe that God really planned my life to be as uniquely important as ever. He never wanted it to be simple, in the first place. My love story was created very distinctly wonderful, and ended as distinctly painful as planned.

Looking back, I was just an ordinary young lady who, in a way, already knows what she wants in her life: To be a well-celebrated writer, as simple as that. God, however, didn’t want me to be just any ordinary woman with simple hopes in life. He wants me to live a life full of greatness. So He decided to add some spices to my less-seasoned existence. He sprinkled in a cup-full of pain in my heart, dash it with a gallon of tears, and drop wonderful bits of surprises before shaking it over.

What I am right now is the upshot of that brilliant mixture. I will never know how strong I am without those seemingly happy, sad, and tragic incidents in my life that perfectly defined what I am today. I am not to say I’m happy that I lost a great love to the inexorable slash of death. I’ll be the most stupid and stone-hearted creature on earth if I say so. I will never be relieved of that painful thought. However, now I thankfully know the reason behind that tragedy. It is for me to find God once again and be able to accept a new mission in my life.

Come to think of it, had that tragedy didn’t happen to me, I might not be able to actually experience this great feeling of closeness to God. I may be just like the other people who know in their mind that God is God, but are never really putting Him in their hearts. Everything that I’m doing for my religion may just be an obligation to me had I not experienced that kind of pain. It was through that pain that God pulled me back closer to Him and made me feel His warm embrace. It was through that unwanted pain that I was able to see God as my father and not just a god that I have to worship.

God wants me to serve Him in my own way. He wants both me and Oliver to serve Him in our own special ways. We might not be able to do that if we’re together in this world that God decided to call one from us to be with Him and serve Him in His kingdom in heaven, and He deemed that Oliver is much deserving to be called that time than me since he’d already found his worthy purpose, and he’s such a good man that God didn’t want this sinful world to exploit his mind and character again. As for me, I still have lots of catching ups to do that I had to be left here. It was very excruciating at first, but as I went on with my growing faith in God, I’m slowly understanding the purpose of our meeting, our love story, and its tragic ending.

Now, aside from pursuing my long-time passion of being a well-celebrated writer (a true writer in that sense and not just writer-wannabes who are just wasting that spaces in the newspaper and magazines with their ‘posh’ beauty ideas), God instilled me another passion that I’ve yet to pursue once I’m ripe enough to do it…and that’s to reach out to those people who are still not aware of God’s existence or are too stubborn and moved by worldly things to follow God’s calling.

Yes, I’m claiming it now, I will be a missionary. I will go to various places all over the world to preach about the goodness of God. Never mind if this goal is a bit too complicated and dangerous, especially in Muslim places. I know God will be in this journey. I didn’t ask for this feeling. God was the one who put this realization in my heart, and that’s why I’m confident that I could make it.

I’m still a big-time sinner. I’m never a dutiful Christian. I still have my mood swings and I still can’t control my temper. I still feel I’m not worthy to be called the child of God. People might still say “kala q ba Christian ka, eh bakit ka ganyan?” to me whenever I did something wrong. But what I’m armed with now is that faith that God is working His way in my mind, my heart, and in my life. He’s slowly changing me. In time, my little baby-steps towards changing my negative traits will soon be manifested in my actions and in my words. In time, I will be deserving to be called a ‘Christian’ without people raising their brows after the declaration. In time, I will be able to help in making every nation a nation of God.

But for now, let me just use this little space in the web, my God-given talent, and my heart’s content in spreading the good news about God. I hope that in one way or the other, you may find in this thousand of words a piece of relief to rest your wary mind and heart.

God is forever goodJ

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